Quick, one post break from the lulz and jokes for a quick breakdown of the upcoming NFL season, because it kicks off in a couple hours and I am so pumped and jacked I just pooped a little. I'm thinking of huffing paint thinner until I pass out so that 8:30pm comes a little quicker. CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT, best sport in the world. Here are your division winners, with quick reasoning:

AFC East : New England Patriots.

If they were the worst team in the world, I'd still pick them, because I'm a Patriots fan. RedSox I'm a pretty level headed fan, but come football, come Patriots, I'm the shirtless guy with red blue and silver body paint spilling beer on other fans while I struggle to maintain my drunken balanace. Even from a neutral stance, the Patriots are BY FAR the best team in the division. They lock it up early and easy.

AFC North : Pittsburgh Steelers.

I fucking hate the Steelers. I despise them. I get off on watching them fail. However, their defense is going to be great again. Ravens are okay, but not good enough. Beyond one receiver and a very good quarterback, Cincinnati sucks dick. Cleveland will have problems as Brady Quinn figures things out in his first season as the Browns being HIS team. Steelers take the division by two, maybe three games.

AFC South : Tennesee Titans.

Tough call here. This isn't based on me being that much of a believer in the Titans, I'm not really, but the Colts got to take a step back eventually, and I think its this year. Peyton Manning is the second best quarterback in the league, but that team has a lot of holes. People think the Texans are going to be good this year, I don't see it, maybe 8-8. Jacksonville? Well, I love Jack Del Rio, and they have some good players, but they underachieve every fucking year, they're going to again. Titans squeak this one out and take it by a game, if they're for real, they'll win tonight.

AFC West : San Diego Chargers.

San Diego is like the just mentioned Jaguars, they underachieve every year. They've been knocking on the door for five years or so but can't get it done. I love Phillip Rivers, he's a good quarterback, he's one tough motherfucker, and he's a complete asshole. The reason I pick the Chargers isn't them though, it's the division. The Chiefs suck, the Raiders suck, and the Broncos, who have been at least decent for about 12 years, are going to suck for the first time in quite a while. Chargers will rise above the shitty teams around them.

NFC East : Dallas Cowboys.

ANOTHER underachiever. They looked so good two years ago then just fell on their face. Part of this is spite, I hate the Giants, I hate Eli Manning, I hate everything about that organization. Fuck them. Dallas will get some help by Eli fucking up in a crucial game and will take this division, followed shortly thereafter by Tony Romo choking in the playoffs and sending them home.

NFC North : Chicago Bears.

Bears have a quarterback for the first time in..... ever. Lions were 0-16 last year. They'll beat SOMEBODY this year, but they're still the Lions, and they're still awful. Green Bay will be a good team, but not a good enough team. Vikings have Brett Favre, which means despite really liking the Vikings in my youth and seeing multiple football games in Minnesota, they can eat the shit out of my ass. Fuck you Brett. I will say, as a side note, Minnesota at Green Bay this year, even if you don't like football, put that game on. The Green Bay crowd reacting to their former God Brett showing up in the enemy jersey.... I can't fucking wait for that game.November 1st, circle that on your calendar. I'm serious.

NFC South : Atlanta Falcons.

Tampa and Carolina are both teams with a lot of talent but as a whole just don't look good. New Orleans has an aerial assault offense that is a lot of fun to watch, but their defense is fucking horrible. Atlanta looks good for 11 wins, that'll be enough.

NFC West : Arizona Cardinals.

Arizona, despite not really being that great, will be the kings of the most boring division in football. I expect Seattle to be a lot better this year than last year, but they still won't be good. They need another year. Rams and 49ers..... please.

So, there you have it. If you're a football fan (which a lot of my readerbase isn't, fucking weaboos), feel free to debate me in the comments. I love talking football.