Look, it may not be completely related, but I've been waiting a loooonnngggg time to use that image. Part of me died inside the day I read that, at the same time, it's pretty funny. So, some guy killed himself to avoid jail, then was found not guilty like an hour later. Silly boy.

Shortly after the jury gave its verdict in the case of William Telano Evans on Thursday afternoon, it was clear something was wrong.

In the courthouse hallway, Evans' wife, Peggy, used her cell phone to call her husband, who hadn't returned to court after lunch to hear the verdict.

"They found you not guilty," she said. "Please, please don't do anything."

He never got the message. - StAugustine.com

LOL OOPS. I don't completely understand this, you can check it out here if you want to try making head or tail of it. The basic idea is this dude was accused of sexually assaulting a girl thirty years or so ago, claiming she was between the ages of 9 and 10 at the time. The defense pressed that she was 13, which apparently means it's okay in St. Augustine. That's how I read it.

I mean, they showed a note from the defendant apologizing to the chick, essentially admitting to assaulting her and saying MY BAD YO. The defense didn't argue he did it, they argued the age she was. And he was found not guilty.

Can't say I feel bad for him, as that's still something you don't do. Can't say I feel bad for his wife, who was grinning and making snyde remarks to the victim on her way out the door. Fuck both of em far as I'm concerned. I mean, if you're arguing your physical abuse was okay because of how old the target was, you kinda suck.

Remember though St. Augustine residents, don't beat the shit out of your little ones until they're 13. After that, fill that hockey sock up with oranges, and go to town, I guess!

In other fail news, an Argentinean news station reported about the dangers of making grog from the Secret Of Monkey Island video games, taking a FaceBook group (the pinnacle of journalistic integrity) talking about making it seriously. You would have thought kids saying they were mixing and drinking kerosene and axle grease would come off as obvious sarcasm but.... s'pose not.