I love soccer. I mean, no I don't, I hate soccer and I think it's fucking boring as hell, but I love when the USA wins in international tournaments.

Soccer (known as football in the rest of the world) is when an individual fucks members of the same sex and enjoys it. - Encyclopedia Dramatica

That sums up my view on the activity nicely, thank you ED. Think about how great this moment is though, the United States beating Spain in the.... uh... Confederations Cup. I don't know where that ranks on the soccer tournament hierarchy because I don't waste my time with sports that dropping to the ground like you've been shot every time somebody bumps into you is deemed acceptable, but I guess it's a pretty big deal.

It's so beautiful because this loss, Spain's first loss in 35 games from what I've been told, is like a fucking day of mourning in Spain. They are devastated by this, soccer fans are extremely passionate/gay about their sport. While their country collectively holds its head in shame, an overwhelming majority of the United States couldn't care less. There is something very beautiful about crushing the spirit of a large group of people by defeating them in a competition you aren't even interested in.

That doesn't change how horrible the sport is to watch, however. I had it on in the background while I was jerking off to farm porn for the final 40 minutes or so. I'm looking at the stat sheet right now. Spain had eleven shots on goal, the United States had four. Soccer games are over 90 minutes of playtime, and the net is fucking enormous. Yet, in over an hour and a half of playing, two teams combined for fifteen shots? That's like the equivalent of renting a female escort for a week long trip and fucking her once.

Hi, the United States took four shots, and two went in. That should be an indication of how to win. Stop flopping around on the ground like a bunch of pussies and passing the ball back and forth for five minutes at a time. If, for whatever reason, you actually want to play this incredibly shitty sport, crash the God damn net and boot that thing at it. I would be taking shots from 200 feet away.