Sports, Lulz, and Irrelevant Crap

OHHHH RANNNDDDDAAAAAYYYY

2010-11-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

Simple question, Patriots fans. If you could bring back Randy Moss, would you?

You can. According to NFL network and other credible sources, the Minnesota Vikings have in the past half hour or so cut Randy Moss.

Let that be a lesson to you. When in the stadium of your old team after just getting beaten by them, don't address them and say "I love you and I miss you". That kind of pisses your current employer off.

Moss also reportedly stayed in Massachusetts last night while the Vikings went home. Tune in to WEEI around 5pm or so for the Bill Belichick interview today, where he will be asked if there is any interest and give a bullshit answer that doesn't actually say anything.

This is a bombshell. As a Patriots fan, my first thought was hoping he doesn't go play for the Colts. Stay tuned.

I Dong Bring Up

2010-10-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

If the DeadSpin article dropped this week holds any weight, which it appears too, everybodys favorite faggot that won't go away Brett Favre had hobbies other than sandbagging the second half of the season during his brief stay in New York

According to the article, Brett used to have a tendency to leave things on the busty ex-cowgirl and now pseudo-reporter Jenn Sterger's cellphone. Namely, sexually suggestive voicemails, and pictures of his cock that she wasn't asking for.

Boy, this one must really hurt John Madden. If anybody wants Brett Favre sending him pictures of his shlong without being asked, it's John. His love for the 75 year old quarterback has not, over the years, been what we would call subtle.

I don't really have much more to add other than this is another chapter in what a fraud Favre is as the lovable country bumpkin that can do no wrong and just loves the game. He is a douche bag on the field, and he is a douche bag off the field.

It appears the league is looking into this, which could, potentially, lead to some sort of suspension being filed under the broad "conduct detrimental to the league" headline. I hope so, because that'd be another check mark on the list of things Brett has done that fuck his team over due to what a selfish prick he is.

Brett Favre comes to Gillette Stadium on October 31st. Look, Patriots fans, I know I've questioned your heart before because I can hear crickets fucking at that stadium over the "noise" you make, but you really got to step up here or I'll never forgive you. Brett Favre, penis, cellphone. These are the items you must create a costume around.

Or if you're really lazy, think about the cheeseheads Packers fans wear, where Brett used to play forever. Maybe replace them with something?

Roy Halladay Throws Playoff No-Hitter

2010-10-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to contribute at this time other than the news itself, but Roy Halladay has in the past few minutes accomplished a playoff no-hitter in his first playoff appearance, the first since 1956 and.... well... that was the only other one in the modern era.

Roy Halladay is fucking ridiculous.

OH GOODY

2010-10-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

The Patriots decided between late last night and this morning they would rather have a 2011 3rd round draft pick than a first ballot Hall of Fame receiver and one of the greatest deep threats to ever play the game.

But wait, it gets better.

Unless I'm missing something (which I may well be, this is my interpretation), were the Patriots to lose Randy Moss to another team in free agency this upcoming offseason, they'd recieve compensation. Compensation that would be in the form of.... a third round pick. Granted, it would be in 2012 instead of 2011, but that doesn't strike me as a particularly fucking exciting difference.

Now, I won't be so naive as to say the sole purpose for this being done is the Patriots feel a 3rd round draft pick helps them more than Randy Moss for 3/4 of a season, that isn't the case. It has been rumored (and has to be legitimate for this to make any sense whatsoever) that Randy has been a real pain in the ass in the locker room, bitching about not having catches while his team celebrated a 41-14 stunning victory against the Dolphins, and getting into arguments on the sideline. I get all that. This still sucks.

I'll close with my go-to move whenever I feel like depreciating a draft pick, referring to the 2006 and 2007 Patriot draft classes. Maroney, first round. Chad Jackson, second round. Garret Mills, 4th round. The list goes on and on, basically from those two drafts they got a safety and a kicker. My God.

2010-09-29T13:29:00.001-07:00

To quote my father, "if you are a cornerback on the depth chart behind Darius Butler, you really, really suck."

It is true. This team is in trouble. After a 38-30 victory over the Buffalo Bills, no rational Patriots fan can be thrilled. The Bills were an assumed victory. And, by assumed, I mean "a win in which you do not give up 30 points to a fucking abysmal team."

We all knew this team would have problems on defense. Oddly enough, when half of your secondary is younger than I am, the linebacking core is mediocre, and the pass rush is non-existent, your defense isn't very good.

The team plays Miami next week, a much tougher opponent than the Bills. Then a bye week. Then, check this out. Baltimore, San Diego, Minnesota, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Detroit. Detroit, by the way, is not the laughing stock they used to be. They suck, but they can score.

That stretch is important, and it is brutal. If this secondary hasn't improved by the time they are coming out of the bye week, that stretch has 2-5 written all over it. Miami is no walk in the park either.

Be afraid, Patriots fans. Your defense really, really sucks.

I KEEP FALLING DOWN THESE STAIRS

2010-07-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Theo Epstein, DO SOMETHING.

Sincerely,

Everybody.

Here is your bullpen. Bard = good. Papelbon = ok. Atchinson = ok. Everybody else = completely fucking suck.

I can let the lineup thing slide because everyone and their mom is on the DL, but this bullpen is unacceptable. You need arms that can record outs. Now. Thanks.

Ben, I Am Disappoint

2010-04-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

Look, Ben. I don't know if you did this or not. I do know you crashed a motorcycle a couple years ago because you didn't know how to drive it. I know last year some broad said you assaulted her and nothing came of it. Possibly because it's bullshit. But.... another offseason, and here we are again.

The Pittsburgh Steelers’ miserable off-season will gain a little clarity Monday afternoon, when a Georgia district attorney announces whether he will pursue an indictment against quarterback Ben Roethlisberger in a case in which he has been accused of sexual assault. -NYTimes.com

Now, if you know anything about pro athletes and crime, you know that the odds of Ben getting any jail time, even if this is pursued, are pretty small. Leonard Little killed a woman drunk driving, openly admits he doesn't even remember doing it, and he's still playing football. Dante Stallworth mowed some guy down with his car, also drunk last year, and I forget how long he spent in jail but I believe it was less than a month. So, all you faggot Steeler fans out there, I'd envision Ben will be behind center for you starting next year.

That being said, the way your team is acting this offseason, you might as well change from the Pittsburgh Steelers to the Pittsburgh Steel Bars, because you guys seem like somebody put the idea in your head being an idiot and getting arrested is some right of passage. You're like the new Bengals.

Ben...... didn't you learn anything from Tiger Woods? You're a professional athlete, you don't need to maul college chicks to get one in bed. Just go on to the next one, within 20 minutes or so I guarantee you'll find one thats willing to go home with you and let you destroy her. Honestly. Tell her who you are, imply you have more money than you know what to do with, buy her absurdly overpriced drinks. Your night will end with sex that doesn't result in hand shaped bruises on said theoretical girls neck. Y'know, if you did it which has yet to be determined. Please don't sue me.

So, what hasn't been determined yet is the fate of Ben, but what has been determined is he's a retard. Whether he did it or not, he put himself in a situation that was disruptive enough that this is an issue. Who knows what next offseason brings?

OMG I'M BACK LOL.... And So Is Baseball

2010-04-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

O hai gaiz. What'd I miss?

Well, whatever it was, it certainly wasn't Major League Baseball fucking up the season before it even started. I've been around for that.

The RedSox open the 162 game grind tonight...... against the Yankees. Absolutely fucking asinine.

Here's the deal. MLB teams like the Kansas City Royals sell out their games opening the season. A month into it, their home games will have maybe a third of the seats filled. The Royals suck and nobody cares about them during the season.

BUT THEY DO ON OPENING DAY BECAUSE FUCKING BASEBALL IS BACK. WHY ARE THE REDSOX PLAYING THE YANKEES?

If the RedSox were playing the South Dakota School Of The Blind tonight, I and millions of others would be watching on the edge of our seats. Partially because it'd be funny watching blind kids try to get hits off a major league pitcher, but primarily because it doesn't matter who they play tonight. Baseball is back and everybody is like BASEBALL HOORAY DURR HURR GORILLAPENIS.

The RedSox should be playing a shitty team on their schedule tonight, and they should be playing in said shitty teams stadium, not Fenway park. When the RedSox travel to Kansas City somepoint during the season, nobody is going to give a damn.

That's why you're supposed to hold on to these RedSox Yankees matchups, for those down points in the season. A burned out baseball fan around game 90 is going to look at RedSox/Royals and say "I think I'll take a night off", but if it was RedSox/Yankees the response is HOLY FUCK I HAVE TO WATCH TONIGHT RAAAAAAR LOLOLOL.

So, yay baseball is back, boo fucking retarded scheduling. MLB screwed up yet another one here, and they're going to wish they had these three games later on.

Why It All Went Wrong

2010-01-10T19:24:00.000-08:00

Hi.

The Patriots laid an egg today. I am the first one to say "those fucking refs", "that fucking wind gust", etc. I will always make an excuse when I can, because I am a biased, complete and utter shameless fanboy.

You can't do that today.

The Patriots were beat by the Ravens today straight up. Weather didn't make it happen. Bad calls didn't make it happen. The Baltimore Ravens came in, punched the Patriots in the mouth, and the Patriots didn't punch back.

Why?

I am not blaming the defense. The offense lost that game. Brady was as bad as I've ever seen him, probably the worst game of his career. The line was okay but not good enough. They had chances to get back in that game, they fucked up every last one of them. Julian Edelman is the only person on that offense that deserves any praise today. Chippy little bastard. He played his heart out, and he did everything he could to put that team on his shoulders. They didn't want to climb on.

However.

Though the defense didn't lose this game, I look at them when I try to figure out what the fuck happened this year. Did Coach Belichick make more "uh.... what" decisions this year then I've ever seen? Yes. Did our new offensive coordinator suck? Absolutely. Did Brady put up a clunker here and there? Amazingly, he certainly did.

But what used to happen when games got bad? Bruschi. Harrison. Somebody. One of the leaders would find a guy with the ball, knock their fucking head off, and pop up like a man possessed screaming and convulsing like a God damn maniac. That team would look at them, get fired up, go "YEAH, LETS FUCK THESE GUYS UP" and put it together.

They didn't have that this year. This was a finesse team. This was an old Colts team, back when the Patriots kicked their ass every time they had to. The talent was there. They had phenomenal players. Phenomenal players that when a tougher team decided to smack the shit out of them, they did not respond. They turtled.

The 2009-10 Patriots are the Rams team the Patriots beat for their first Super Bowl. Talent? Tons. Toughness? Very little.

Welker is one of the toughest little fuckers you will ever see on a NFL field. Sammy Morris breaks a lot but when he's out there he runs angry. That's pretty much it, folks. Randy Moss is a Hall of Fame player, but when you smack him around, he goes away. Same for the defense we have now. It's fast as hell, it's talented, but if you push it, it doesn't push back.

If the 2010-11 Patriots want to have a legitimate run at the trophy, they need to bring in some big, ugly, dumb motherfuckers that you slap a helmet on and tell them to go kill somebody. I'm serious. They need a good half dozen of that type of player. Position irrelevant. They just need them. The talent is there, the anger, the ill defined murderous rage that you need people to have to win a championship in the NFL.... it isn't. They're talented enough. They aren't tough enough.

And What Becomes Of You My Love

2009-12-03T16:18:00.001-08:00

So, I never update this anymore, my reader base has probably left. Understandable, and I didn't like you anyway. I just want to put this somewhere.

Monday night wasn't enraging. It was legitimately sad. It's been a long time since I've seen a Patriots game at halftime and said "they have no chance of winning this game". It's been a long time since I've seen them arrive for a huge game and get mauled like that.

That was the end of an era.

That was Brady and Belichick looking up at the scoreboard standing next to each other, barely exchanging words. If they exchanged any, it was probably along the lines of "I don't know what to do".I've never seen that before.

I expected them to lose. I also expected much more of an effort than that, I expected a very competitive loss. What I got was a team that simply was not even close to as good as the team they went up against.

My girlfriend said to me "I thought the Patriots were like the team to beat", I responded "they were". They were. They're still in that top third of the league, but they aren't anything above that anymore. It's sad for me. It's sad knowing that run of greatness is over and it isn't coming back. It's sad knowing my Patriots won't start every year as a legitimate Super Bowl contender anymore. It sucks. Kthxbai.

Pats/Colts Preview

2009-11-11T14:16:00.000-08:00

HIIIIIIII FOLKS! Well, I got a request to do a Patriots/Colts breakdown, and frankly, anything I can do to kill time before picking up my girl Friday is worth doing, so what the hell. Shall we?

Lets touch on the Colts first. Frankly, their offense isn't as good as it was. It's banged up right now. Gonzalez might not play, Wayne likely will but is hurt, Clark is banged up, and so on. They aren't the firepower they were. HOWEVER.

Peyton Manning, as much as I hate the little fucker, is playing as well as he ever has, and he' making it work. His receivers aren't as good as they have been in years past, and his running game backing him up certainly isn't. Addai is a shell of his former self. Not crap, but not nearly as good as he was.

The Patriots offense? Depends what you want to look at. Maroney has shown more fire in a few games this year then I've ever seen out of him. He's been putting his head down and slamming into people, where in the past he'd run like a pussy to the sideline. Moss has been tearing it up lately, Welker hasn't been as active as Patriot fans are used to but still very, very good. Watson is having his best year by far.

Not a lot of separation there, two pretty even offenses, with the Patriots having a slight edge.

The defenses are interesting. This would be a landslide advantage Patriots in years past, even with their fucking pathetic secondary of last year. The Colts defense was simply that bad.

This year it looks a lot better, for reasons I can't even define. Bob Sanders being out is irrelevant, he's the most overrated player in the NFL and he never fucking plays anyway. That won't hurt them.

The Patriots defense has been below average getting to the passer, but far better at pass coverage than anyone could have expected going into the year. Blitz power against Manning isn't very important, since if you blitz him, he's going to kill you anyway. The line not being able to get there is a bit of a concern though.

Defense? Slight advantage Colts. I think they're even everywhere except QB pressure, Indy has a little more going on there.

Special teams, short and sweet. Gostkowski is destroying balls on kickoffs and has been pretty consistent between the uprights. Colts? Fuck them. Advantage Patriots.

I think this is going to be a lot lower scoring than people expect it to be. In the unlikely event the referees don't completely fuck them over like they do every time they play the Colts, I like the Patriots pulling it out, 24-21.

FACEBOOK IS DOWN

2009-11-02T14:46:00.000-08:00

WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO GUYS THIS IS BULLSHIT I NEED MY 450 MAFIA WARS ITEM REQUESTS AN HOUR DESPITE THE FACT I DON'T FUCKING PLAY IT I'M NOTHING WITHOUT THIS SHIT

Fuck The Yankees

2009-10-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

As much as it hurts, I'm going to be rooting for a Philly sports team coming up. I love Pedro, so that start will be easy whenever it is (hopefully game two), the rest.... well, they're playing the Yankees. Let me break down my feelings for the Yankees.

I hate the Yankees. I fucking hate the Yankees. Not even half as much as I hate their fake gold chain with a cross on the end, Joba Rules t-shirt wearing, loud, frontrunning, obnoxious, borderline mentally retarded fans. You know the ones. The ones that will face any valid argument by either going "YOU'S IS JUST A HATER HATERS GO DRINK YOUR HATEORADE" or "TWENTY SIX WOILD CHAMPEENSHIPS" amongst a shower of saliva. The idiots that frankly don't know jack shit about baseball.

They can all suck my mother fucking dick. Listening to them makes me want to puke. Reading what they write makes me want to shit Tabasco and broken glass. I personally know exactly ONE Yankee fan in my life that I actually like. ONE. He can actually hold a baseball conversation, properly break down strategy, rosters, and so on.

These other greaseballs drive me absolutely nuts, again, to the point that I hate them more than the actual Yankees. As pissed off as I'd be seeing Joba and GayRod celebrating on a field with a World Series victory, it doesn't compare to how fucking annoying all these drooling, irritating morons are going to be if they win. WE DEED IT TWEENTY SEVEN WOILD CHAMPEENSHIPS... oh my God. Please no.

GO PHILLIES. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU MUST WIN THIS SERIES.

OMGZ WE'RE ALL DEAD O NOES

2009-10-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

Been a while. So, enjoy this half assed post that is little more than one observation, complete with image that saved like shit and has a barely readable caption. Love you guys.

That new movie about the end of the world date according to the Mayan calendar looks pretty cool.

BUT.

Anyone buying into that shit is fucking retarded, and yes, a lot of people do. A lot. Look.

Maybe they weren't predicting the end of the world. Maybe they just felt, I dunno, after they got like 1400 years into the fucking future that their calendar was thorough enough for the time being.

Just sayin.

Even Dane Cook Fans Won't Laugh At This

2009-10-04T17:51:00.001-07:00

Pic taken from some blog. I dunno. Right click it and check out the properties tab if you care. Anyway.

My Patriots won today, but I know none of you care, and that isn't what I want to talk about anyway. I want to talk about Black Family Guy.

Simply put, even for 2009 Seth Macfarlane, this isn't funny. Honestly. I watched the premiere because I wanted to see just how bad it was, and it far exceeded my expectations. My expectations on how much of a piece of shit it would be. The Cleveland Show isn't shit, The Cleveland Show is what SHIT EATS.

I put it on again tonight for all of about 20 seconds during a football timeout, I was treated to fat kid saying "I'm not as afraid of school anymore, but I'm still afraid of toasters". Cutaway to fat kid with toaster, toaster yells at him.

.....

Really, Seth?

Let me flip it back over to catch the final couple of minutes, thankfully there is only a maximum of five left. I doubt I'll make it that far.

For fucks sake. The humor in this show is so nonexistant that I honestly don't even kno-...... A SECOND YELLING TOASTER JOKE, SETH? I'VE HAD THIS SHOW ON FOR TWO MINUTES TONIGHT, MAYBE THREE, AND I'VE BEEN TREATED TO TWO YELLING TOASTER JOKES?

I..... I quit. This is so bad I can't even make fun of it. You can't make this up. Two very brief, very spaced out views, and I get the same thing thrown in my face. It's not even a joke, it's "haha I couldn't think of a joke so here's something random isn't that hilarious"..... no, Seth. No it is not.

LOL WUT

2009-10-02T11:43:00.001-07:00

So, lets get right into it today. This story involves an all-time great in the world of baseball, but has nothing to do about sports. This is straight up fucked. The short version is the world of cryogenics ain't what you hoped it'd be. Again, this is fucked.

The last .400 hitter in baseball, Ted Williams, died in 2002. Family and interest groups quarreled over what to do with the poor guys body, and after what I believe was about a month of him corpsing it up, it was agreed, freeze the head in cyrogenics in hopes future scientific generations can do.... uh, something. And I thought people fighting over a dead guys head was bad....

"[Larry Johnson, former Alcor Life Extension Foundation executive] writes that in July 2002, shortly after the Red Sox slugger died at age 83, technicians with no medical certification gleefully photographed and used crude equipment to decapitate the majors' last .400 hitter" - WithLeather.Uproxx.Com

So, essentially, people with about as much medical training as me took like, regular saws and sawed his fuckin head off. DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... WHAT? We're just getting started. As the Patron Saint of Infomercials Billy Mays would say, BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! You know what, I'm just going to copypasta this whole section of the story before I interject more.

"Johnson writes that holes were drilled in Williams’ severed head for the insertion of microphones, then frozen in liquid nitrogen while Alcor employees recorded the sounds of Williams’ brain cracking 16 times as temperatures dropped to -321 degrees Fahrenheit.

Johnson writes that the head was balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep it from sticking to the bottom of its case.

Johnson describes watching as another Alcor employee removed Williams’ head from the freezer with a stick, and tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.

The technician, no .406 hitter like the baseball legend, missed the can with several swings of the wrench and smacked Williams’ head directly, spraying “tiny pieces of frozen head” around the room" - WithLeather.Uproxx.com

I think solid white albacore is about to take a pretty big sales hit. Jesus Christ, dude. I mean, its bad enough to be an asshole that doesn't care so you're prying shit with wrenches and not caring about what you're doing, but..... that's just being lazy, careless and stupid. Putting microphones in hi head to hear the brain crack? Erhm..... EXCUSE ME WTF U DOIN

So, that's what 120 grand gets you nowadays. Yep, that's what was paid for this treatment. I don't really got a lot to add to this that anyone reading the story isn't already thinking. The book is in the image above, it's going to sell well, and a lot of people are going to be in deep shit. Including the author, I speculate. He might want to think about grabbing a bodyguard or four.

Jim Zorn Is A Retard

2009-09-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

Quick little update to touch base, I still got football to watch.

First, Warren Sapp on NFL Network about 15 minutes before the game said Atlanta would stomp New England, and the dynasty was over. Warren, I'd like to take this opportunity to say a few things. You were absolute garbage in your NFL career when you weren't on a line with Simeon Rice, you never did jack shit without him. Similar situation as a studio analyst. Simeon isn't there, and all you are is a fat retard babbling a bunch of idiotic statements. It's like you're back playing in Oakland again!

Secondly and finally, Jim Zorn may not just be the worst coach in the NFL right now, he might be the worst coach in my lifetime. A failed third down attempt by the Lions, the Lions get called for offensive pass interference, and..... you.... accepted it. They weren't in scoring position, either. 4th down would have been coming up, instead you gave them another chance to convert, and they did. You're a fucking moron.

Then, 4th down, 8 seconds left, on about the Lions 40..... I'd like to think that play call was Campbell improvising and not you, but.... he never looked at the endzone. He went to it immediately. Between that and the fact I think you're a shitty coach to begin with, I think that was your call. Yeah, lets play NFL Street pitching the ball back and forth for 40 yards, that'll work. There is a reason you lost to the Lions. You're very, very dumb. Nothing personal pal, I don't know you the person. I know you the coach though, and God you suck.

That'll do for now, just wanted to get both of those off my chest. Kthxbai!

HNGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

2009-09-20T19:02:00.001-07:00

Boy, I sure can pick 'em, huh? Let the rage ensue.

Joey Galloway looks like shit. He's still got blazing speed, but he's never in the right spot, except for the times he's close enough to drop a pass. Sound like a description of any ex-Patriot receivers you know? That's right. Bethyl Johnson.

It needs to be pretty obvious for me to say it.... Tommy doesn't look too good. Great at the end of the Bills game, average in it up to that point. This game.... good drive at the end of the second half that didn't end in a touchdown. That's it. Missed about a half dozen very easy throws, and a couple that he's usually very capable of making.

It wasn't all his fault today, though. In fact, a lot of it wasn't. That offensive line today was the most embarrassing thing I've seen on a football field in years, without exaggeration. They shouldn't even pick up their checks for this game, they don't deserve them. Everyone was bad, but the worst offenders today were Koppen, and to a much larger degree, Kaczur.

Kaczur was atrocious, and was doing a lot of Julio Lugo-esque "fake busy" stuff at the end of plays. A play would be long over, and then here comes Nicky flying onto the screen sliding across the ground, like he's saying "SEE GUYS I WAS TRYING TO BLOCK" to the viewers. Absolutely fucking pathetic. We just resigned him too, oh goody.

Defense was relatively bad in the second half, but not terrible. First half they were good. Vince Willfork is bigger than he's ever been, and I love him for it. That's as close to a compliment on the Patriots in this game as you're going to get out of me.

So, the Patriots lost. They deserved to lose. Not because the Jets were great, they weren't, the Patriots were just terrible. Their kick coverage was an absolute joke, they didn't capitalize on the numerous mistakes the Jets made in the first half, and their offensive line made me want to puke.

Falcons at home coming up, and its gonna be a tough one. I said before the season that between the Falcons and Saints, the Patriots are going to lose a game. It'll be two if they look like they did today. Matt Ryan looks great this year, and the Falcons defense is better than it has been in the past.

For the Patriots to beat Atlanta, Brady needs to get his act together, his offensive line needs to actually show up to the game unlike they did today, and the kick coverage has to be a LOT better. We're still a week away, but I got to say, this upcoming matchup.... it's about as appealing to me as farting blood for three hours.

Patriots/Jets Preview

2009-09-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

No time for a breakdown this week, but as you saw from my prediction last week, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anyway.

Patriots win 28-24 in a very competitive game. CBS is talking about how Rex Ryan is hungry for this game.... hey Rex, if you're so hungry why don't you go eat a dick

Spammers Think You're Retarded

2009-09-19T19:15:00.001-07:00

Okay. If you've ever advertised on CraigsList, you know it's so full of spammers that the website is about to sneeze and send them flying by the dozen out of every orifice of its body. That's why I use sockpuppet email accounts to advertise on it, yet I still decided to erase them from the picture. Fuck you, you can't have the email address I use exclusively for CraigsList, that's important to me.

Seriously though, ignore "mane" in that picture, notice anything else? Spammers aren't even trying anymore. They think you're a fucking idiot. Which, if you fall for them, you are, but that's another story.

Look, spammers. If you can create an automated system that picks off the list on, uh, Craigs.... List.... and bulk mails it, you can probably create one that doesn't list its name as Hilary and start the email by calling itself Patricia.

I mean, I appreciate you're trying to steal my money, identity, and everything about me you can use for personal gain that completely ruins my life, I'm okay with that. That's your thing. But if you're going to try and bait me, you should at least let me get TWO SENTENCES into the email before I realize you're an automated faggot and not a real person. When I can see "Hilary" as the registered email name, and "Hilary" in the email, and "Hey, my mane(sic) is Patricia" without even moving my eyes, you're doing it wrong.

I'm not asking you to go away, spammers. I know you won't. You are the official cancerous tumor of the internet, if there is a Hell, you won't be fueling the fire, you'll be the shit in the middle of the furnace that is lit to START the fire. I get that. But fuck man, stop acting like I'm retarded. If you're going to try to ruin my life, you could at least put a little effort into it.

Y'know, like the people on the internet who AREN'T spammers that are trying to ruin my life (I hate my enemies, those guys suck). They're assholes too, but at least they respect me enough to know they're going to have to be a little more tactful.

Patriots/Bills Preview

2009-09-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to do previews and possibly recaps to games like I did elsewhere a few years back. So, that'll be our mostly lulzless, sports oriented segment of this blog from now on. Understood? Kay.

Before we get started, I'd like to offer my condolences for the death of Jake DelHomme's career. Pretty likable guy, very good quarterback for a couple years. He was the leader of a Panthers team that had the game gone into overtime and they got the ball first would have beaten my Patriots in the Super Bowl. Nobody could stop anyone the second half of that game. Jake used to be pretty good.

His last two games he has thrown for a total of less than 300 yards, with one touchdown and nine interceptions on 51 attempts. Two fumbles too, as well as a few sacks that were completely due to him no longer having a shred of pocket presence. As I said, I like Jake, but if you're Carolina, despite being stupid enough to give him a four year extension this offseason, you can't put him back out there. You just can't. He's done.

On to the Patriots Bills matchup tonight at 7. In short, I think the Jets next week will lose badly, but they have a chance of making it a competitive game, that one isn't a lock. This one is. Buffalo is going to get absolutely fucking killed tonight. I'm talking 41-7, 48-10, somewhere in that range. As long as #12 finishes the game, the Bills have absolutely, positively no chance whatsoever. Here's why.

1. Tom Brady has been sitting out essentially an entire year, he didn't even play a half last season. Tom doesn't like not playing football, and he's the best quarterback in the league, probably the best quarterback ever. Even if tonights opponent was good (Buffalo sucks), Brady would destroy them. If he throws less than four touchdowns, I'll be surprised. Brady to Moss Brady to Moss Brady to Moss all night, Welker too if he plays, which is uncertain at the moment.

2. Buffalo has a completely new offensive line. Every starter. Not one returning. They aren't all rookies, in fact I don't think any of them are, but they're all new starters, which means regardless of their individual levels of talent, they're going to be an absolute clusterfuck for about four weeks trying to figure out how to best work as a unit. Having Seymour still on the Patriots would be nice for this game, but in any case, look for a minimum of two sacks, probably more like four. Wouldn't expect the running game to work out too well for Buffalo either.

3. Buffalo has lost to New England 11 straight times. They're not coming in to New England on Monday night to open the season and changing that. It simply isn't happening.

Factor those things in to the fact the Patriots are simply a more talented team, and that's pretty much it. We're under six hours away from this massacre, and my penis is trembling with excitement. Enjoy!

Post Game Recap: That's why they play the games, huh? This is also why I don't gamble on sports.... I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So, COME BACK NEXT WEEK SO I CAN TELL YOU THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN

Mmm... football.... graaaagghghghghh

2009-09-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Quick, one post break from the lulz and jokes for a quick breakdown of the upcoming NFL season, because it kicks off in a couple hours and I am so pumped and jacked I just pooped a little. I'm thinking of huffing paint thinner until I pass out so that 8:30pm comes a little quicker. CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT, best sport in the world. Here are your division winners, with quick reasoning:

AFC East : New England Patriots.

If they were the worst team in the world, I'd still pick them, because I'm a Patriots fan. RedSox I'm a pretty level headed fan, but come football, come Patriots, I'm the shirtless guy with red blue and silver body paint spilling beer on other fans while I struggle to maintain my drunken balanace. Even from a neutral stance, the Patriots are BY FAR the best team in the division. They lock it up early and easy.

AFC North : Pittsburgh Steelers.

I fucking hate the Steelers. I despise them. I get off on watching them fail. However, their defense is going to be great again. Ravens are okay, but not good enough. Beyond one receiver and a very good quarterback, Cincinnati sucks dick. Cleveland will have problems as Brady Quinn figures things out in his first season as the Browns being HIS team. Steelers take the division by two, maybe three games.

AFC South : Tennesee Titans.

Tough call here. This isn't based on me being that much of a believer in the Titans, I'm not really, but the Colts got to take a step back eventually, and I think its this year. Peyton Manning is the second best quarterback in the league, but that team has a lot of holes. People think the Texans are going to be good this year, I don't see it, maybe 8-8. Jacksonville? Well, I love Jack Del Rio, and they have some good players, but they underachieve every fucking year, they're going to again. Titans squeak this one out and take it by a game, if they're for real, they'll win tonight.

AFC West : San Diego Chargers.

San Diego is like the just mentioned Jaguars, they underachieve every year. They've been knocking on the door for five years or so but can't get it done. I love Phillip Rivers, he's a good quarterback, he's one tough motherfucker, and he's a complete asshole. The reason I pick the Chargers isn't them though, it's the division. The Chiefs suck, the Raiders suck, and the Broncos, who have been at least decent for about 12 years, are going to suck for the first time in quite a while. Chargers will rise above the shitty teams around them.

NFC East : Dallas Cowboys.

ANOTHER underachiever. They looked so good two years ago then just fell on their face. Part of this is spite, I hate the Giants, I hate Eli Manning, I hate everything about that organization. Fuck them. Dallas will get some help by Eli fucking up in a crucial game and will take this division, followed shortly thereafter by Tony Romo choking in the playoffs and sending them home.

NFC North : Chicago Bears.

Bears have a quarterback for the first time in..... ever. Lions were 0-16 last year. They'll beat SOMEBODY this year, but they're still the Lions, and they're still awful. Green Bay will be a good team, but not a good enough team. Vikings have Brett Favre, which means despite really liking the Vikings in my youth and seeing multiple football games in Minnesota, they can eat the shit out of my ass. Fuck you Brett. I will say, as a side note, Minnesota at Green Bay this year, even if you don't like football, put that game on. The Green Bay crowd reacting to their former God Brett showing up in the enemy jersey.... I can't fucking wait for that game.November 1st, circle that on your calendar. I'm serious.

NFC South : Atlanta Falcons.

Tampa and Carolina are both teams with a lot of talent but as a whole just don't look good. New Orleans has an aerial assault offense that is a lot of fun to watch, but their defense is fucking horrible. Atlanta looks good for 11 wins, that'll be enough.

NFC West : Arizona Cardinals.

Arizona, despite not really being that great, will be the kings of the most boring division in football. I expect Seattle to be a lot better this year than last year, but they still won't be good. They need another year. Rams and 49ers..... please.

So, there you have it. If you're a football fan (which a lot of my readerbase isn't, fucking weaboos), feel free to debate me in the comments. I love talking football.

Turn Off The Internet, Please.

2009-09-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

At the time of posting this, this video had 328,932 views and a four star rating.

When we get to a point that this is considered funny, I give up. Turn off the internet, forever. That is, without a doubt, the worst fucking thing ever posted on YouTube. Fred looks funny by comparison. It has 328,932 views and a four star rating. I have nothing else to add.

WHAT IS THAT SORCERY YONDER

2009-09-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

Very quick post. I don't really have a news story I want to talk about, I'm pretty tired. Been moving stuff all day. I move into my new place tomorrow, kicks ass bro, all thats left to bring there is the TV and the bed. Also means I doubt I'll be writing anything tomorrow.

So, to kill time online after coming home today, I decided to fuck with Christian fundamentalists online, because e-fundies are one of the most clueless groups of people you will find ANYWHERE. Here's what one said as their argument to why creationism is real and evolution isn't:

Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. - Retard, internet

HI. IT'S CALLED THE SUN MOTHERFUCKER, EVER HEARD OF IT?

Patriots Preseason Game 4 Recap

2009-09-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

Patrick Chung sucks. That's your game recap.

How Not To Promote Your Cause

2009-09-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII FOLKS! I've been surprisingly busy lately, so my halfhearted apologies for falling behind here. I've been feeling the wrong emotions towards stuff lately too, so that's thrown me off a little. For example, I was watching this porno yesterday out of really no purpose past boredom. It was a chubby chicks one, 'coz if you know me, I love me some curvy girls. This was too much though. I mean, Christ. This one chick had tits that she probably has to roll up before putting in her bra. The dudes lying on the bed propping one up like its a food tray being carried out to a table by a waitress..... it was fucked.

So, as he's holding this two foot long tit like it's a grinder he bought at a sandwich shop a half hour ago and forgot he was carrying, I burst out laughing. Word of advice, directors, good porn is not porn that the viewer finds hilarious. Then the guy is like "want to see my penis dance for you?" and I was like NAH THAT'S OKAY and closed it. Failed experiment. Speaking of failed experiments, allow this agonizingly forced transition sentence to introduce you to this advertisement campaign:

The World Wildlife Fund is joining a growing chorus of voices expressing outrage over an ad bearing its symbol that shows dozens of planes bearing down on lower Manhattan with a tag line that reads, "The Tsunami Killed 100 Times More People Than 9/11." - FoxNews.com

How many times do I have to note this? Rick Pitino mentioned 9/11 in his recent press conference to deflect off the fact that he fucks random women on restaurant floors (awesome) too. This is not a strategy Americans are going to get behind, especially not at the beginning of fucking September.

The advertisement shows an overhead view of Manhattan that shows like, 100 planes in all directions flying towards it. The Twin Towers are present. UHM, OOPSIE? The ad was designed by some Brazillian company that I don't feel deserves being acknowledged. Look, I don't care what country you're from, it is amazing you could rise to the position of creating advertisements for a borderline reputable group like the World Wildlife Fund if you think shit like this is a good idea.

And I thought Haribo fucked up with their candy container depicting a lime having rough sex with a lemon below. Clearly, I have much to learn about how to fail in the advertising world.

For what it's worth, the World Wildlife Foundation has insisted they rejected this ad proposal immediately, and don't know why it ever saw the light of day. I'm inclined to believe them, just in the hope that two companies could collectively be so stupid on one project.

HEY CHECK THIS SHIT OUT

2009-09-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

So, I like having sex with women, therefore I don't like soccer. You gotta check this out though. Wait for the slow-mo, this is one gross leg break. And by gross, I mean pretty awesome, because nobody cares about soccer players.

OHHHHHH LUL LUL LA LUL. That's all for now. Stressed, tired, preoccupied. Watch it though. For once a soccer player dropping to the ground like they just got shot is actually justified. Faggots.

Now That's What I Call A Sticky Situation

2009-08-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

Look, it may not be completely related, but I've been waiting a loooonnngggg time to use that image. Part of me died inside the day I read that, at the same time, it's pretty funny. So, some guy killed himself to avoid jail, then was found not guilty like an hour later. Silly boy.

Shortly after the jury gave its verdict in the case of William Telano Evans on Thursday afternoon, it was clear something was wrong.

In the courthouse hallway, Evans' wife, Peggy, used her cell phone to call her husband, who hadn't returned to court after lunch to hear the verdict.

"They found you not guilty," she said. "Please, please don't do anything."

He never got the message. - StAugustine.com

LOL OOPS. I don't completely understand this, you can check it out here if you want to try making head or tail of it. The basic idea is this dude was accused of sexually assaulting a girl thirty years or so ago, claiming she was between the ages of 9 and 10 at the time. The defense pressed that she was 13, which apparently means it's okay in St. Augustine. That's how I read it.

I mean, they showed a note from the defendant apologizing to the chick, essentially admitting to assaulting her and saying MY BAD YO. The defense didn't argue he did it, they argued the age she was. And he was found not guilty.

Can't say I feel bad for him, as that's still something you don't do. Can't say I feel bad for his wife, who was grinning and making snyde remarks to the victim on her way out the door. Fuck both of em far as I'm concerned. I mean, if you're arguing your physical abuse was okay because of how old the target was, you kinda suck.

Remember though St. Augustine residents, don't beat the shit out of your little ones until they're 13. After that, fill that hockey sock up with oranges, and go to town, I guess!

In other fail news, an Argentinean news station reported about the dangers of making grog from the Secret Of Monkey Island video games, taking a FaceBook group (the pinnacle of journalistic integrity) talking about making it seriously. You would have thought kids saying they were mixing and drinking kerosene and axle grease would come off as obvious sarcasm but.... s'pose not.

Brett Favre etc etc... fuck

2009-08-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ooooh, speech bubbles, I'm getting fancy huh? Maybe I'm a little bitter today, I dunno. Some moving stuff is hitting snags. None that are going to derail it, but delays. I mean, I got a tuna fish sandwich in town for lunch, and when asked how it was I replied "well, the good news is I know it came from a can, the bad news is I don't know who's". Entertained the hell out of me, but not really called for. So, schadenfreude time, guess who is continuing to lose supporters and respect?

Favre has "little support" in the locker room as Minnesota prepares for its Monday night preseason game against the Houston Texans. - ESPN.com

Sweet. Nothing says respect like players thinking you don't deserve to take the place of Tavaris Jackson, a player that the only impressive thing I've ever seen him do on a football field was get his head almost taken off two years ago and not die.

Keep it up Brett, most of us already hated you, but it's reassuring to see you piss off the few supporters you had left. I can't wait to see the Vikings at Green Bay game this year. Fans will be throwing fucking blenders at you while your teammates groan in the huddle, I can see it now. "Okay, here's the play. I run left, you run straight, then I throw the ball 20 feet up into the air off my back foot"

ITT: RAGE

2009-08-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

GATHER 'ROUND CHILDREN, I HAVE STORIES. Keep in mind this won't be one of my most entertaining posts, as I'm just going to be tarding out about something that pissed me off today, as opposed to writing commentary about something people actually care about.

Long day. Sitting around with my thumb up my ass for hours waiting on installation doods to come by the soon to be new residence. Cable/interweb guy did his job, took him a while because some bad router kept fucking it up, but after a few hours, it was good to go. I feel like I forgot something on the HDTV, doesn't seem like enough wires. But enough about him.

Another guy we had come by was to hook up the gas. Real fucking lightbulb, this guy. Shows up at the end of the time window quoted, which, fine, whatever, but then comes off like I should already have his cock halfway down my throat because he found the time for me. Acting all busy and in a hurry, dude, shut the fuck up.

So, he goes to put a meter in and whatever other crap they do, and comes back ten minutes later.

"You got a gas leak"

"Lolwut"

"Yeah, so, like, we got to fix that."

"Kay."

I go back inside to finish up with the cable guy, sign the receipt etc etc, an ordeal that took maybe five minutes. Then I go outside to find the gas guy and see what he's up to and.... well, whatever it was, it was somewhere else.

GONE.

What the fuck?

HAY U HAS A GAS LEEK LOLOLOLOLOL K THX BAI are you fucking kidding me? That's like a surgeon going "yeah you got a clogged artery somewhere. Well, see ya" and wandering off to the bar. Except, in that scenario, the surgeon at least announced he was leaving prematurely, instead of just fucking doing it.

Well, at least we had a plumber coincidentally at the building for something else to check it out and try and find the leak. Considering he walked into the basement with a cigarette in his mouth, I guess he wasn't overly concerned about it. That or he thought blowing up everyone within a 200 yard radius would be funny. He found the leak, though. In a spot that our National Grid fellow said it wasn't.

So, yeah. A guy whose job is to work with natural gas, installing it, identifying problems, etc acknowledges a problem, says its in a place that it isn't, and then promptly leaves without fucking doing anything about it. Yet, a plumber who just happens to be there finds it, roughly two minutes after said National Grid dickhead just left. Now I won't have hot water until Tuesday, four days after I move in, which means I'll have to come home to shower and shit. Thanks bro.

So, National Grid, I don't know who you sent me today, but he fucking sucked. Please send somebody else Tuesday. If they have the same attitude, that's fine, I can deal with that, but I'd prefer one that at least knew what they were doing. Guy who came today, signal from shore when you get a fucking clue.

No news stories today, I'm too tired. I just wanted to write this down somewhere because I'm pretty pissed off about it, and the person deserving of my frustration fucking bailed before they could receive it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go cry and stick my cock in the toaster or something.

Late note: Second National Grid guy was on time, friendly and did a good job. So, first one wasn't what the company is as a whole, he was just some asshole.

Even PETA Thinks You're Retarded

2009-08-21T12:19:00.001-07:00

I think I'm going to stick with the "people on YouTube I don't like" theme for a bit. The one a couple posts below? Yeah, that guy (it's a guy, gotta be) annoyed me, but not as much as this one. Check out this faggot.

Oh goody. Makeup to appear deeper than the people he's addressing. Head turning on every sentence like his words are so powerful if you blink you might miss the cure for cancer. A lecture on a lifestyle he doesn't live that includes asinine comparisons that don't make any fucking sense. THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAY-VA-RIT THINGS

"Some people are driven by what society says is okay while others, vegeterians, are driven by what they feel is morally right". Yeah, okay buddy. You're so much better than me because you're too much of a fucking pussy to eat a steak. That's a nice, logical conclusion. You didn't give up meat, okay? Meat gave up you, because you're such a whiny bitch that animals aren't even comfortable being eaten by you.

He also has some other lines that'll make your head hurt, such as "racism towards animals" (because eating something that tastes good = hating it because of what it is right guys) and "[animals] know something you have no concept of : love". I got a feeling if you're dressed up like a mime and whining about people eating cheeseburgers, you don't have much of a concept of love either. Or, y'know, friends, not being laughed at in public, being respected by anybody, etc.

Our lovely raging homosexual closes by smugly pursing his black lipstick covered lips and saying "you clearly condone cannibalism". I sure do! Cow, person, same thing. What an absolute fucking idiot. You want to have dumb opinions, fine, but don't support them with statements that are a load of bullshit.

I will close with a rendition of what somebody in the video comments wrote, an individual that is much brighter than the clown in the video itself.. Not that that's saying much, I've left things in the toliet smarter than this person, but I digress.

If you can manage to do something above baseless insults, spooky music and queer makeup to attempt at getting your point across, maybe I'll consider listening to it. If you can find a way to concede that your "morality" doesn't make you better than anyone else, maybe I'd even consider a debate. I don't see any of that happening anytime soon, so, until then, go choke on your alfalfa sprouts, have fun being totally deep and insightful at your coffee shop poetry slams, and eat a fucking dick.

Also Cocks

2009-08-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

Quick followup post. Read this. Or don't, whatever. The short story is some model got somebody taken to court and is filing a defamation suit against them for...

Writing on a blog that she was "skanky".

..... SRSLY?

Look, as I noted below in a post, death threats and shit like that online, yeah, okay, that has to be addressed, you can't do that.

But, uh, defamation suits for calling somebody skanky. That's a fucking joke. Lets make the world even more of a care bear lovefest where everybody is brought up to be a thin skinned pussy, great. RIP Internet, it was fun while it lasted.

Dude Looks Like A La-... wait.....

2009-08-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

No news today. News is stupid. Let's break down this...... uh..... girl. Maybe.

What the fuck, right? Yeah, I guess some thought provoking statements in what it's saying in the video, I don't know. I don't listen to women when they talk, and I this might be a girl, so I'm going to ignore it when it talks too. The content is irrelevant.

Frankly, if that's a girl, she has a voice that's about as arousing as the mental image of Dr. Phil shoving a ten gallon cowboy hat up his ass. A girls voice is an important factor to me, sorry. If a decent to above decent looking chick wants me and she has an obnoxious voice or laugh, I'm shutting her down and declining advances. I've seriously done that before. Which, when realizing I've only had sex with five different girls in my life was probably pretty fucking stupid.

I'm rambling. Back on verbally abusing this person that hasn't ever done anything to me. Okay, "she" has in "her" profile a "people have compared me to:" list which includes Janene Garofalo and Meg Griffin. Sweetie, THOSE WEREN'T COMPLIMENTS, KAY? Also the classic brilliant move of listing her FaceBook, Twitter, etc. Hi, I look like a girl and have a voice like a man who gets high sucking on car exhaust pipes, here's links to everything about me on the fucking internet. Well played.

Okay. If you put a gun to my head and told me to tell you if this was a guy or a girl, I'd say guy. I'm about 80% confident in that direction. "She" presents "herself" female enough that you'd assume "she" was for probably about a minute before you went "something aint right here". Or, y'know, if "she" started talking, the NO WAY meter would start beeping.

Whats more important here than the fact that the internet has another crossdressing freak is that we got another LOL ATHEIST I AM SO DIFFERENT clown that probably has that "You laugh at us because we're different, we laugh at you because you're all the same" Hot Topic t-shirt in ten different fucking shades of gray. As an Agnostic, I don't care for anyone who has the "I've figured out life and you haven't" mentality, regardless of which side of the religious scale they're on. You're all fucking annoying.

That's exactly what this girldude is. The type that babbles about how unique and thought provoking they are for their original idea that they just got out of somebody elses autobiography. You think fundamentalists are bad? You're right, they are, they're intolerable. Atheists are the same fucking thing with a different conclusion. If you're a girl, go make me a fucking sandwich, if you're a guy, shut up because nobody cares.

Breaking News : Brett Favre Is Still An Asshole

2009-08-18T11:27:00.000-07:00

Bad font color for that picture. Fuck him, he doesn't deserve better. Well, it turns out I won't be seeing that special somebody as early as I thought I was going to. That's okay, it wasn't the best time. She's got a lot going on, and frankly so do I. Moving requires doing a lot of small tasks, plus my father just bought a really expensive set of old stamps. Those things aren't gonna just draw penises on themselves, y'know. So hey, guess who lied again just to build himself up as a story?

A source close to Brett Favre said the quarterback, pending a physical, will sign a contract with the Minnesota Vikings for between $10 million to $12 million, according to ESPN senior NFL analyst Chris Mortensen. - ESPN.com

SAY IT AIN'T SO SHOELESS FUCKING JOE, I TOTALLY BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE SAID HE WAS RETIRING THIS TIME. God damn shitballs gorillapenis ass barf. Here we go again.

Apparently ESPN was doing live coverage of him landing at some Vikings training facility and meeting Brad Childress. I say apparently because I don't watch ESPN due to it being an absolute joke of a network, but I believe it. Go put ESPN on, "Favre" is probably on the ticker, and they probably have two studio talking heads blabbing about him right now. I don't care if you read this two minutes after I post it or in a week, I'm confident that's what you'll find if you put it on.

As everybody who knows me knows, I'm a very positive person (LOL NOT REALLY AWESOME JOKE HUH SARCASM LOLOLOLOL HRURRHGASDADSLEWAV), so lets find the silver lining in this. Okay, the facts. Brett Favre is coming back again. Brett Favre is the most overrated player in the history of professional sports. Brett Favre is currently jerking off to this paragraph because it says Brett Favre in it four times. So, what do we come up with?

He's burning bridges so fast his head can't even keep up with all the stupid shit the rest of his body is doing. Green Bay fans loved this man, up til two years ago they'd rip their mothers eye out of its socket and hand him it if they thought it would make him happy. He is DEAD to them now. Jets fans.... well, fuck Jets fans, who cares what they think.

Fans of other teams such as myself generally didn't care for this guy, mainly due to the media pumping him up so much. Personally, he's my most hated athlete ever, and if I saw his legs get torn off during a game, I'd react by bursting out laughing and going to the liqour store for the largest bottle of champagne they had available.

EVERYBODY is sick of this guy, Vikings fans will be in that group shortly. Probably at the end of this year when he fucks their team over and then plays for another one in a couple months, like he's done everywhere else. Welcome back Brett, I look forward to ESPN kissing your ass while you blindly throw more interceptions that aren't even close to somebody on your team.

If you're even remotely surprised he's back, go get your fucking head examined. This is the least shocking thing that has ever happened.

Look, We've Been Over This...

2009-08-14T14:35:00.001-07:00

Patriots are gonna be goooodddd this season yo. I done sawed that Tom Brady last night, he be all precise and..... nah I'm just kidding, this isn't a sports oriented post. You guys don't like those. Man, you should have seen the look on your face, I got you good you fucker. Check out this lightbulb.

An African-American man has pleaded guilty after being accused of impersonating a white supremacist in a fictitious Facebook account to make death threats against an African-American university student. - CNN.com

Rut roh raggy. Look, I understand trolling is the official sport of the internet, I've partaken in it at times myself (gasp), but come on. There are some very basic rules to keep in mind if you're going to do it.

1. Don't tell anyone to kill themselves, because if they do, you're fucked.

2. Don't use an account name that you use for others things, because it makes you very easy to be found, and when that happens, you're fucked.

3. Don't threaten people, because it is very illegal, and the trolling equivalent of a coke runner putting a sign that says "arrest me I have drugs" on the back of their car. It's begging something bad to happen to you, and it's a pristine form of evidence should anyone get sick of your shit and choose legal action against you. Aka you're fucked.

Look, I don't know what made you think this was funny (I could make a lame black joke here, but I'd like to keep SOMETHING on my "Ways I've Alienated Potential Groups Of Readers" list unchecked), it's pretty obscure.

A court document provided by the U.S. attorney's office said Hart told an FBI interviewer that he intended the threat to be a prank "to get a reaction." - CNN.com

Well, mission accomplished, I guess. If you're being interviewed by that particular governmental organization, you certainly got a reaction. Trolls, please keep this in mind before going on your next mission of generating lulz. "You got a big ass head", "you're gay", "your spelling sucks" = acceptable. "I'm going to kill you" = not acceptable. All that does is make the person go from "man, I wonder if I can nail this person for harassment" to "yep. I can definately get this person in trouble". It's all fun and games until you're a retard and end up sending yourself to prison.

I Accidentally The Whole Integrity

2009-08-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

So, yeah, I think that story below is bullshit. A good campaign by a dedicated group of bored internet basement dwellers that got semi-reputable news sources to pick up the story and run with it. Pretty funny, I'm going to leave it up for exactly that reason.

So, I don't really feel like writing a post today. Instead I'm going to rewrite an "article" written by some high school girl that will make you want to go out and punch a teenager in the face. Don't do it, authorities tend to frown on that, but it's a very natural reaction to this. The following is not edited in any way whatsoever, it is word for word. All typos are intentional and in the original. I was just going to attach the image but it looks like shit in this blog column. Now, without further ado, here are the thoughts of a brilliant young mind that responds with statements like "lip gloss rhymes with doggy" when her ashamed parents ask her how school was.

Marriage is something that every girl looks forward to during her childhood. I believe that every girl should marry every guy that is rich so they never have to work. Girls can just go and get their nails done and take the kids shopping. I dont think that college is neccessary becasue you go to school twelve years out of your life and after that you should be done. Men, I can understand if they want to go to school longer to get a better education to work on stuff they like to do. Every man should have money so he can support his family. Even if he doesn't want to get married I think all boys should go to college. I don't think girls should have to go to college. They are too busy with their life and family. But I can undertand if girls want to go to beauty school, cause every girl should have options but personally I don't think college is neccessary because girls need to be girls and get their nails done and go shopping. Have a great time. I'm not saying boys should have the life of work and disstress becaue they are humans but they need to work if they want to have a good life becasue obviously their wives won't be bringing home the money. I guarantee that no girl will marry a poor guy cause every girl wants the life of a princess. When your husband gets home from work you can go out to eat with all the money he makes and also pay all the bills. Girls should all have back up plans but nothing that is full time and nothing that needs college to succeed. Maybe like a day care out of your home. So girls, have fun. Boys, start working!

Good to see that a public school, y'know, the things intended to educate and better our youth, ARE LETTING THIS BE PUBLISHED IN THEIR PAPER VIA A JOURNALISM CLASS. Credit to Encyclopedia Dramatica for being where I discovered this fucking idiot. Credit to her mother for almost making it the full 9 months without drinking heavily. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go outside to my car parked in the driveway, climb inside, close the door, and scream at the top of my lungs until I crap one of them out

Here's Somebody I Wouldn't Miss

2009-08-11T16:49:00.000-07:00

Hidely hay, get-a-lifers! Sorry I haven't been posting as frequently, I'm sure all 15 of you are really disappointed. I've had a lot going on with the new housing conditions. Y'see, there's some needless insulation that needs to be removed and my father is being a real baby about getting in there and tearing it out. Something about me being ungrateful and putting dirt in his instant coffee container, I dunno. Lets talk about cocks.

Frankly, I've been hearing way too much about the damn things lately. First a few days ago I learned what "bug collectors" are, which, to put it in summary form, bug collectors are gay men that deliberately get HIV. They hold parties and invite HIV+ men, specifically tell them they want to "get the gift", and let them plow them. That isn't a bad joke lacking a clear punchline. I'm completely fucking serious. Talking about that would be a much more interesting and horrifying post, but I really don't want to.

So, let's go to "Lady" GaGa. Here's a fun fact, she has a penis. Srsly. A few people have called bullshit on this, and they may very well be right, but here's the facts. Her dong was visible at a recent event, and she admitted to having one.

"It’s not something that I’m ashamed of, just isn’t something that I go around telling everyone. Yes. I have both male and female genitalia, but I consider myself a female. It’s just a little bit of a penis and really doesn’t interfere much with my life. The reason I haven’t talked about it is that it’s not a big deal to me. Like come on. It’s not like we all go around talking about our vags. I think this is a great opportunity to make other multiple gendered people feel more comfortable with their bodies. I’m sexy, I’m hot. I have both a poon and a peener. Big f*cking deal." - Lady Gage, ClevelandLeader.com

Yeah, I know. When I see a surprising story on a website I've never heard of, I immediately think "credible source". They do have a picture and a video of the dong in question though, both of which you can check out here if you're fucking retarded.

Here's the interesting question though. Lady Gaga has done stunts like having her hair done to resemble a giant button, a style that clearly negatively affected her ability to eat, see in front of her, and so on. She once to a tv interview wore a suit made out of kermit the frog plush dolls. Lady GaGa is the most deplorable kind of person in the media, the kind that does "crazy" things just to get attention. OMG GAIZ LOOK AT ME I IS WEARING A SOOT MADE OF FROG TOYZ LOLOLOLOL OMGOMG THATS SO WILD I'M SUCH A CHARISMATIC CHARACTER... fuck you, bitch. You want to know something about people who are LOLRANDOM just to be LOLRANDOM? Let me tell you, this gets its own paragraph for emphasis.

People who do socially awkward things on purpose all the time, people who make profiles on dating websites and put "I'm really crazy and weird in a fun way", etc are personality wise the most boring human beings on the fucking planet.

So, it's entirely possible the cock is a fake one, meant to be exposed just to get people talking about her. Lady GaGa is ABSOLUTELY that big of an attention whore. It's like Tom Green back when people cared he existed, only significantly worse and somehow even more blatant. Lets get to that question.

Which would be worse, her having a cock, or her being so much of a shameless, lame ass self promoter that she used a fake one as a prop to gain publicity?

Do you have the answer? I don't. I guess what I'm trying to say is I fucking hate Lady GaGa.

Now Pitching For The Boston RedSox Manny DelCzzZZzzZzz

2009-08-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

Interesting day. Somebody pretty important in my life is leaving soon, but I also learned at an early hour somebody I care about could be making an appearance 'round these parts soon. Not under the best circumstances, but still, pretty cool. I also learned a few other things. First, my father's computer chair has steel beams in the legs which makes them really hard to saw 2/3 through before he sits down in it again. Secondly, I really, really, really hate watching Manny DelCarmen pitch.

The next time I hear a woman say I'll never understand the agony of childbirth, I'll respond "fuck you, I've watched Manny DelCarmen pitch". It's always such a needless God damn adventure. Every count has to go full, there needs to be three closeup shots per at bat of his stupid goatee and deer in the headlights look, the whole experience frankly sucks.

I swear, if you ever find out you have a year left to live, go get all the videotapes (lol, videotapes) of Manny DelCarmen pitching you can find. Watch them. That year will feel like thirty. They won't be quality years, but still. In a half inning of pitching, I watched through my window next to the TV a forest get bulldozed and fourteen houses get built. It is so fucking painful.

Hey, at least this game has had action though. Three hours and 41 minutes long so far, bottom of the 13th inning, and the score is 0-0. On the plus side, if we get to the 15th or so I'll get to see the RedSox new callup pitch, and he's a Jap with a diesel mullet. So, that's kind of cool, I guess. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go glue every orifice but my mouth shut, turn on the garden hose, and shove it down my throat.

How Not To Cheat On Your Wife

2009-08-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

So, how'd that second post yesterday work out for ya? Disappointed? Good, that means you're reading. I got an interesting story to talk about today, it's about a woman in town who yelled at me. I responded "I hope your pussy isn't as big as your fucking mouth". Well, okay, not so much a story as a witty retort that shows how poorly I handle confrontation, but whatever. Let's talk about some women in Wisconsin, at least one of which has about as much sex appeal as a bad case of leukemia.

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents. - Yahoo.com

One of them was his wife. Look, I'm not going to tell you how to run your lover triangles.. quadrangles.. whatever, but here's a fun tip. Make sure the women you're having sex with don't frequently talk to your wife. All you got to do is piss them off, and GEE, I WONDER WHO THEIR FIRST REVENGE IDEA WILL ENTAIL?

Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach - Yahoo.com

Yikes. Well, I guess their second idea for extracting revenge isn't much fun either. I guess thats why it's called revenge and not getting drunk and jumping into the ball pool at your local Discovery Zone. What, Discovery Zone got shut down? Poor fat middle aged predators, people keep making shit so difficult for them to live out their dreams...

Here's another mistake. This guy agreed to let a woman tie him up in a motel room. Look. If bondage is your thing, fine, but have you never watched a sitcom or a movie before? Don't let people tie you up in motel rooms. Just don't. That's about as smart as letting a militant feminist doctor with a note on her door reading "Missing bracelet, please contact Dr. Bulldyke if you shit it out" give you a colonoscopy.

Good to see these women each got freed on $200 bail. You glue a guys dong to his stomach and it doesn't even cost you four digits to get out of the holding cell. Yet, if I throw a can of Sunkist out my window on the road and a cop sees me, I'm out a mandatory $500. That's just super.

How Does I Shooted Bad Guy

2009-08-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hey folks. Sorry about yesterday, I'm not sure that post was my best work. My father even had the nerve to be a little critical of it today while I was outside trying to tip over his car in the driveway. It's like, dude, I'm busy. Still a little embarrassing to be taken down a peg like that. You know what else is embarrassing? Getting indicted for three charges because you accidentally shot yourself.

Plaxico Burress has been indicted by a Manhattan grand jury investigating a gun charge against the former New York Giants wide receiver, New York City prosecutors said.

Burress shot himself in the thigh at a Manhattan nightclub in November. - ESPN.com

Man, I hate when that happens. You know, when I was 13, I put the blade of a butterfly knife about an inch and a half into the back of my leg because I wasn't bright enough to close it up properly before putting it in my pocket. It was at that point I said to myself "you know what, I don't think carrying a loaded gun is a good idea for me". I'm thinking Plax had a similar situation growing up, but he didn't put two and two together.

Man, that had to be an awkward moment for Plax. It's pretty difficult to shoot yourself in the leg and still look tough. That's somewhere in the realm of taking your shirt off trying to look sexy for a girl, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich falls out of your armpit. Jessica just laughed and laughed, it was terrible...

That's all for now, I might post again today. I felt the need to point out there's a man who could be going to jail for up to 15 years (he won't, but it's theoretically possible) because he accidentally shot himself. Kthxbai!

Edit: Wow, I went a whole post without swearing. That's fucked up.

But I NEEEEEEDDDDDD ITTTTTT

2009-08-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

Odd picture to captain that way, I know. I did a Google image search of "stupid bitch" and all I got was porn and Paris Hilton, so this is what you get. Nobody wants to see a picture of that blonde preying mantis freak. Frustrating search. It made me so angry that I krazy glued my fathers laptop to the ceiling. Not as creative as my idea of injecting Toliet Duck into all his beer cans and welding them back shut, but that required way too much effort for today. I'll do it tomorrow. So, hey, want me to explain why our country is fucked in two words?

Trina Thompson.

Trina graduated from Monroe College in April, proudly holding some stupid degree nobody gives a shit about. Now, she's..... just...... ugh. Read this.

"They have not tried hard enough to help me," the beleaguered Bronx resident wrote in her lawsuit, filed July 24 in Bronx Supreme Court. - NBCNewYork.com

Yeah. She filed a lawsuit against the college because she's been out of school for a whopping 3+ months and somehow hasn't landed a job yet in the middle of a fucking recession. Hell, she'll probably sue me too for writing nasty things about her if she finds this. Suck my dick Trina, your mentality is the reason we're in this recession in the first place. You and brokeNCYDE.

You've been out of college for a little over three months. What the hell did you think would happen? Graduate, go home, get drunk, get railed by three guys at once, wake up, have job? No. That's not how it works, pumpkin.

Look. I went to a broadcasting school and was pissed I couldn't get a job with my "diploma" from it too, but I didn't sue them. I said "hmm, I guess this school isn't very useful. Shit." and moved on with my life. And you know what? I was right, the school I went to closed down a year later, and the national chain of them died off a few months ago. Boo hoo. Is suing them going to get you a job? Is it, Trina?

You make me want to puke. Maybe you have horrible interview skills. Maybe you aimed for positions you weren't qualified for. Maybe.... you know, maybe this has something to do with you. We all feel super bad for you that the university didn't hold your hand and didn't set up a position for you to take once you graduated, Trina, seriously, tough break, you sound like such a great kid, but grow up. How bout I go get a cheeseburger at McDonalds and then sue them for not unwrapping the fucking thing for me, mm?

Crybabies like you are why we're going down the tubes as a country. You always want to blame somebody else when its your fault. Hell, I talked about this recently, the ugly girl who fell down the hole because she was texting and not looking in front of her. That's you. That's you, Trina. Instead of going outside and getting firewood, you're bitching about nobody giving it to you while you're shoving styrofoam in the furnace.

Listen, you. Wanting something does not = being entitled to it. If that was the case, I'd be balls deep in Kim Kardasian right now.

Go Fondle Yourself Or Play A Board Game

2009-08-01T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hay gaiz. Just wanted to pop in and see how you're doing. Me? I'm fucking busy, okay? I got potential condo purchase stuff going on, important people in my life moving away, a piece of shit Jeep that only works one out of every three weeks, and my father bought this new safety ladder that's really tough to kick out from under him, which is stressing me out. Frankly, I haven't had the motivation when I find a few moments to log on here, and plus, nothing funny has really been happening.

A few things here and there, but not much. Here's a link to a story about some chick who called 911 because her french fries were cold at a restaurant, complete with audio of the call. Go figure, it's an enormous black woman.

Well, there's more support to the theory that women shouldn't be allowed to operate anything that doesn't produce a meatloaf or a clean shirt, I guess. Oh, fuck you, sexism is funny and you know it is. Anyway. Just checking in quick to let you guys know I didn't forget about you..... I just don't really care about you. Here's a completely irrelevant picture of Phillip Rivers looking like a retard. There, kiss my ass, sports segment covered.

Stephon Marbury Likes Yelling At The Internet

2009-07-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

Earlier my father made me a steak sandwich for breakfast and asked me how it was, so I knocked it on the floor and asked him if that answered his question. A few minutes later, I thought to myself "you know what? That wasn't very rational, I think something may be wrong with me". Thankfully, I then found Stephon Marbury's video...blog...pod...cast.... live internet show thing. By comparison, I am one bland, normal sumbitch.

Basically, Stephon is mentally unstable, and thinks sitting in front of a webcam shirtless and screaming at the internet will make things better. I've had his channel open for about twenty minutes now, after hearing the radio and other sources tell me a crazy black man was self destructing on a live stream. So far, he's threatened one person in the chat room, yelled "I'm doing me, I mean me, I'm doing me, I mean me, I'm doing me, I mean me" multiple times, and at one point ate a big glob of Vaseline for no apparent reason.

Occaionally, Starbury gets up and starts dancing around to terrible music, or sits like a poor knockoff of The Thinker with his finger jammed into his skull near one of his tattoos. The fact that I can cite his finger being on his head and near a tattoo at the same time does a pretty good job of establishing what kind of person we're looking at here.

He talks about how people in his life have died. For a couple minutes, he held a phone to his ear and had a conversation. I'm quite confident there was nobody on the phone. I've been repeatedly spamming in the chat "PUT SHOE ON HEAD". He hasn't done it yet, but he will. Motherfucker ate Vaseline.

There are two groups of people in this world. People who admit they like seeing other people have meltdowns, and people who lie. Go check it out, it appears he has the camera on 24/7, so odds are he'll be there. He promised me that it was early and we have a long day ahead.

Roger Goodell Doesn't Think You Got A Lot Going On

2009-07-23T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, interesting fact, I recently found out my father reads this blog. Small world, huh? That's both awesome and terrifying, kind of like a tiny white girl with a large, round ass. I guess I'll have to get rid of the introductory stories about my objectionable antics now . From now on I'll have to stick to my more wholesome hobbies, like making fun of Autistic children and randomly taking dumps in peoples mail slots.

Sports... sports... well, Mark Buerhle threw a perfect game today, but that's not funny, so fuck him. Lets talk about the NFL's decision to make the draft even more torturous.

Commissioner Roger Goodell notified teams Thursday that the draft will be spread over three days in 2010, running Thursday, April 22, through Saturday, April 24. - ESPN.com

Oh goody. Now I can wonder what the fuck is wrong with my life for three days as opposed to two. Thanks Roger. The way the draft is set up now, shit takes so long to happen that by the time the Patriots end up picking, I usually have forgotten what I was doing and miss the pick, too busy looking at the ceiling and making sure it's where I left it.

Look, I'm aware 39 million viewers watched the draft last year (because I just read it). I know it's a big thing, and despite being about as enjoyable as hopping into a bath tub full of syringes and battery acid, the results of it are extremely important. But three days?

WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

As it is written, the first round will be a stand alone event on April 22nd. Good idea, I guess, unless you follow a team like mine that ends up trading their pick after it takes nineteen hours to get to their slot.

Rounds two and three will be at night on the 23rd, which means if everybody I know suddenly dies, I have a backup plan for my birthday that requires nothing more than a TV, malt liqour, and a very large knife.

Rounds four through seven start at 10am on the 24th, because everybody wants to start their day watching two hours of players they've never fucking heard of get drafted.

I don't get it. I understand trying to promote your product further, but I'm not seeing how a daytime show for the bottom three rounds is a real crowd draw. If another network is running Kangaroo Jack or The Best Of Pauly Shore, you're going to lose your audience.

Maybe this is why Goodell is where he is, and I'm on a laptop telling him he's stupid. Or, maybe this is just as retarded an idea as it sounds, because anything I write is automatically true. Dane Cook fucks farm animals.

Teh Blog Nooz

2009-07-21T09:26:00.001-07:00

I usually don't do these, as of this moment only about 25 people read this fucking thing and I like to be more entertaining, but bear (bare?) with me for today. I gotta pull two final projects out of my ass today that are due later in the week because I have a fun couple of days of wakes and funerals coming up. By the way, I got attacked by a bat in my kitchen this morning. Seriously, fuck my life, at least I'm moving into a new apartment in a week and a half.

Okay. So I've gotten more complaints/notifications that my comments are fucked up and blogger presents a catchpa with nothing below it to write the catchpa into. That sucks, but it explains why the past couple posts have had no response. I'll be bitching to blogger about it shortly, as I'd rather wait two weeks for them to get back to me than figure out what the fucking problem is myself. In the meantime, if you feel I REALLY have to hear any of your stupid little opinions, you can mail them to wtfeverythingstaken@yahoo.com.

Send anything else there too, for the time being. Stories you'd like my take on, death threats, closeups of Goatse, whatever. Look for some blog modifying in the relatively near but not immediate future. If you know anything about this shit and how to make it more gooderer/why it are not currently un-bad, that's another good reason to mail me. Kthxbai

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD: You can tab your way to the catchpa type in window, I've been informed. You won't see what you're writing, but it's being written. So, do that, don't fuck up, hit enter. An commenter is you!

HAY GAIZ I CAN HAS SPOTLIGHT PLS K THX

2009-07-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

On a serious note, my grandmother passed away over the weekend, so this week is going to suck and I'm pretty bummed out right now. But, the show must go on, and even in my saddest moments, I can still find time to take shots at Brett Favre. Time to blow off some steam.

Three things in life make me want to puke. Turkey burgers, Soulja Boy's bank account, and anything involving Brett Favre without the phrases "overrated", "douche bag", and "irritating sack of fuck" being used. GUESS WHAT GUYS, BRETT IS PROBABLY GOING TO PLAY AGAIN THIS SEASON!!!!!11111oneone! If you thought even for a second he was going to go away, you deserve the dismay you felt when it became clear he was going to come back. Again.

Favre told The Associated Press last week that he is still testing his surgically repaired throwing arm, but expects to give the Vikings an answer on playing for them by July 30. - ESPN.com

How considerate. I mean, it's not like he held the Packers hostage for years while a better quarterback sat on the bench behind him. It's not like he screwed them over, then proceeded to screw the Jets over. Brett is a straight shooter. When he says he's retiring, he means it. For about five fucking minutes.

Here we go again. Time for ESPN, which has been a pathetic excuse for a network for years, to bust out the Favre tab on the sports ticker again. Time to fill SportCenter with Brett Favre stat sheets showing all the stats he's ranked #1 all time in, and time to convieniently forget to put "Interceptions" on that list like you always do. Lets celebrate how he made a career off throwing the ball as far as he could and hoping somebody caught it, but lets ignore the fact that a third of the time the person who caught it was on another team.

The only good thing about Brett "I can't pronounce my last name right" Favre coming back is it gives me a chance to see him get hurt. Is he better than the current options for quarterback the Vikings have? Sure. Jackson sucks, and Sage Rosenfels became Sage Epicfail in my book against the Colts last year. Of course he's better, in the same sense that a shitty old car that starts is better than a new car flipped over and in flames on the side of the highway. He's better by default.

Get ready for another stomach turning season of Favre ass kissing, football fans. Once again, the most overrated athlete in the history of sports will return. Deadline my ass, this deal has been done for a while.

By the way, if you think THIS TIME is it, nope. Brett will come back again next year. You know why? Brett didn't care about the Packers. He didn't care about the Jets. He won't care about the Vikings either. Brett Favre will be back again because Brett Favre can't stand living in a world that isn't talking about Brett Favre.

Seth McFarlane Needs To Go Away

2009-07-18T14:22:00.000-07:00

Somebody has to stop Seth McFarlane before he finishes completely ruining TV. Period. Enough is fucking enough.

Look, I'm aware the formula of a dumb father, a disgruntled mother, a slightly less dumb son, a misunderstood daughter and a baby is groundbreaking and has never been done before, but somebody tell this guy to shut the fuck up. Family Guy was a very funny show up until Fox cancelled it. Then, it came back in 2004, and it's pretty much been a pile of shit ever since. Occasionally a good episode, but the formula is basically this:

-LOL OMG STEWIE IS GAY LOL GET IT LOL jokes driven home constantly
-OMG RANDOM LOL cutaways to distract from how bad the story is
-Eight minutes of "original storyline" consisting of agonizingly lame and uninspired jokes (remember when Lois was Peter's love in that old-timey episode and her name was Lady Redbush? WASN'T THAT SO FUCKING FUNNY?)

Then you have American Dad, which is the same God damn thing. Occasionally funny, but usually not. It's basically a compilation of things that didn't make it into the last Family Guy episode. Up to this point, I could deal.

Allow me to introduce you to what is going to be the brokeNCYDE of animated television, The Cleveland Show aka Black Family Guy:

Boy. That was pretty funny. I think I would have rather pissed croutons for the last 41 seconds. Even better, when I saw a topic about this on a message board I frequent, I made a passive comment about how repetitive the formula is by asking "I wonder what kind of talking animal Seth will make a main character in this show?"

"Bears." Somebody responded almost immediately.

Yep, bears. I was joking, I figured Seth would at least mix things up a LITTLE bit, but nope. Fucking bears. This is bullshit. The last drops of talent and humor got squeezed out of this hack at least five years ago, now he's just making progressively worse versions of THE EXACT SAME FUCKING SHOW, and Fox, having absolutely no programming beyond Chef Gordon Ramsey whatsoever, is finding a spot for all of them. Unreal.

I understand the move, though. I mean, Cleveland is such an engaging and fun character. There's so much going on there. He's totally more than a lame ass football pun. Fuck you so much Fox, you're lucky you got Hell's Kitchen and a NFL contract.

Double Or Jail Cell

2009-07-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

Like the title? Me either, suggest a better one. It won't be hard.

Nothing warms my bitter, black heart like hearing about somebody losing well over $100 million in a little over a decade due to sheer stupidity. And by warming my heart, I mean enraging me. Jesus Christ, Antoine. I haven't wanted to smack somebody in their head for their idiocy more since watching a two minute video of a Juggalo (read, not jiggalo, those actually have sex) talking about why he was against the war in Iraq, and stating "I understand we need to be there because they bombed the World Trade Center".

A warrant has been issued for the arrest of former NBA star Antoine Walker on criminal charges stemming from $822,500 in gambling debts. - ESPN.com

Whoops. Still, that happens all the time, sadly. That, in itself, is not what drives me nuts here. Antoine played in the NBA for thirteen seasons, he made between contracts, shoe deals, and etc a minimum of $99 million. More realistic is a number around the realm of $110 million when all is said and done. Antoine was busted two days ago and remained in jail on about $70,000 bail for a minimum of 24 hours, he may well still be there. To me, that would imply he no longer has $70,000,

Lets take this further. Antoine was bought out of his contract during last season, March if my research is correct. Sometime last year, okay. He got a little over $7 million right there to clean out his locker and go home. So, on top of everything else, he's lost at least $7 million in the past year.

So, with warrants out for his arrest for bouncing checks in Vegas casinos, where was Antoine found by the police yesterday? Probably not in a Vegas casino, right?

He was found early Thursday morning inside Harrah's Casino in South Lake Tahoe. - KVBC.com

Indeed! Not just a casino, but a casino linked to Caesar's Palace, one of the casinos he bounced checks at! That's like breaking out of a holding cell at a police station, then going there the next day to ask for a leaf burning permit. Antoine.... come on.

I don't consider gambling to be a disease like some people, because I don't think you can yell at people for having a disease, and I want to yell at Antoine. Look, I'm not good with money. I like immediate self gratification, and I like treating people I love to things to see them happy. I could blow $110 million in thirteen years, but only if I was REALLY making an effort. That is fucking hard to do.

These athletes need like, mandatory courses before they go into their respective league, or something. Yes, you are about to make a lot more money than an overwhelming majority of the population will ever see. Guess what? It's still money, and if you're retarded, you'll still run out of it. This guy has a REAL problem.

Zombie Robots? FINALLY...

2009-07-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

What a fantastic day today is turning out to be. First I agree to a 12 month lease on an apartment that is perfect for me, and now I get flesh eating robots. Throw Gianna Michaels covered in baby oil on my bed, hand me a pastrami sandwich, and its pretty much the day I would create for myself if I was God. Check this shit out!

A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies. - Foxnews.com

HOW COOL IS THAT? The company named the robot Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot, which, for short, is EATR. Good to see the sadistic fucks creating flesh eating robots have a sense of humor. They'll need that when the machines become self aware and start gnawing on their face.

These robots appear to be scouting robots for the military, with the idea being they can go years without refueling, as they can get energy out of biomass stuff. I don't like them describing them like that, though. Photoshop some images of a real bad looking robot with a cigar in its mouth (think Bender from Futurama with giant claws) and let the bad guys get a look of that on the internet. I can't think of anything that would scare the fucking shit out of terrorists more than the knowledge that we're letting robots that feast on flesh roam the earth looking for them.

In any event, this is pretty sweet. The fact that we're designing machines capable of consuming dead bodies is all the proof you need that we're going completely batshit insane, and our scientists are getting really bored. Somewhere out there we got a bunch of Dr. Weird's from Aqua Teen Hunger Force working on this stuff, and that is very awesome.

Holes On A Plane

2009-07-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

Tough day for news. I was going to write about this guy who does "mathemagic" doing shows with calculators and shit, but the video was fifteen minutes long, and I was hoping to play with my cock before 3:30. So, let's talk about how Southwest doesn't notice they're flying planes with foot long holes in the fucking ceiling.

Passengers aboard a Nashville-to-Baltimore flight Monday said they could see through the hole above them, just in front of the plane's tail. - MSNBC.com

That's good. I'm so glad I flew Southwest last summer..... to Baltimore. Wasn't willingly being in freakin Baltimore enough punishment without putting a sunroof in the fucking airplane? How does something like this happen, and how does nobody not notice?

Lets just say hypothetically one plane flew above another one at one point or another, and some really bored guy thought it would be fun to start pouring thermite he somehow managed to get onto an airplane on top of the one below him. He'd be hanging out of an airplane, so somebody would probably be like "hey, cut that shit out", but I can't think of anything else. I can't figure out how a one foot hole would be present on a commercial airline and nobody would notice it happening.

::THUMP::

"What the hell was that, Co-Pilot Stevedave?"

"I don't know, Captain Slapfuck. Reckon we should just keep going."

"Don't you think we should at least have somebody go check?"

"Nah."

It's okay, I guess. I mean, professionals in the field are pretty upset and feel terrible that something like this happened.

"but whatever caused that hole, it didn't cause the whole airplane to blow up." - Alten Grandt, some aeronautics professor at Purdue, MSNBC.com

Well yeah, I suppose you're right. We did this yesterday with the Washington Nationals story, though. When I steal people's cars, they're generally still pretty pissed when I yell out the window "hey, at least I didn't kill you". Is this where we're at, we have planes flying around with gaping holes in them, and we say LOL OOPS and point out the plane didn't explode? One less reason to go to the airport, I guess. Quite disturbing.

Sometimes Baseball Is Interesting

2009-07-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, a majority of my readerbase doesn't give a shit about sports. Ironic considering the address. Sorry, this needs to be discussed, the Washington Nationals have had a couple of days that just make no sense whatsoever. Read this slowly and carefully, or you're going to get lost. Seriously. I know exactly what I'm trying to say, and even I'm confused writing it.

First, the Nationals and my boy Julian Tavarez lost a game, and the winning pitcher on the other team didn't throw a pitch. Alan Embree came into a game for the Rockies with two outs in the 8th inning, picked off a runner at first, and then went to the dugout, done for the day. The Nationals responded by fucking up in the bottom of the inning and giving the Rockies the lead.

“I messed up and threw it to the wrong guy,” [Nationals pitcher Joe] Beimel said. “I did everything right up until that point." - Yahoo Sports

Gee, I wonder why they're not winning much. I was making chicken salad. I put a teaspoon of salt into a mixing bowl, then I shoved the knife in the toaster and my other arm in the garbage disposal while screaming racial slurs at a black man I saw out my window. I did everything right up until that point.

It gets even better. THE NEXT FUCKING DAY (July 9) the Washington Nationals and Houston Astros resumed a game that had been suspended due to rain on May 5th. Baseball's fucked up like that. Joel Hanrahan had been the last pitcher on the mound for the Nationals, and they were winning at the time. The game was completed, the Nationals maintained their lead. Hanrahan was the winning pitcher.

Since that game, Joel Hanrahan had been traded to the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Nationals won a game behind a pitcher that was not on their roster. I understand if at this point you need to go back and re-read this, this is too fucked up to interpret correctly the first time through.

How did [Hanrahan] learn he finally has a win this season: “I got a bunch of text messages.” - Yahoo Sports

In two days, the Washington Nationals lost to a pitcher that didn't throw a pitch, then won a game that their winning pitcher wasn't on their fucking team. Okay, that makes sense. It's times like this I can't explain why I enjoy baseball. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pop an ibuprofen and lay down, my head hurts.

Brb, Failing At Life

2009-07-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

It was an accident waiting to happen -- an open sewer and a 15-year-old girl who was texting while she walked. - WCBStv.com

Mm. Accident waiting to happen, you say. As hilarious as this story is, the report kind of angered me. Some retarded high school girl couldn't pull her phone away from her face and fell down a hole in broad daylight, and she's being treated like she was sexually assaulted. Look at this.

YIKES. How many times did she hit her face when she fell? Thank God there isn't a larger picture of her available. I also like how it has her as a "victim" in the description, the only thing she's a victim of is having the IQ of a Charleston Chew. Well, you know what they say, if this is what she looks like physically, she's probably a very intelligent, sweet girl, right?

"It was just really gross and it was shocking and scary," [Alexa] said. "Because of their careless mistake I got hurt." -WCBStv.com

Let me get this straight. You fell down a hole in broad daylight because you were walking around texting, and you have the fucking gall to accuse somebody else of making a careless mistake? That's like stapling your nutsack to the wall and then calling somebody ignorant for not putting up a sign advising you to do otherwise. It gets better.

"Regardless of whether I'm texting or not if there was a cone there I'm gong to see a big orange cone," [Alexa] said. -WCBStv.com

Didn't see the GIGANTIC FUCKING GAPING HOLE though, huh? I love this world we live in today. This moron is the result of little league baseball games that nobody keeps score, and coin operated games at bowling alleys/arcades that state on the front "guaranteed to win a prize every time". It irritates the hell out of me.

Nothing is anybodys fault anymore. Nobody can tell dear Alexa that she fell in a hole in broad daylight because she's a fucking dumbass. No, there should have been somebody there with a bullhorn yelling "DO NOT WALK INTO THIS HOLE" every nineteen seconds. She's allowed to call somebody else irresponsible, yet nobody points out the irony in her statement and that she got hurt because she wasn't looking where she was going.

Look, I know, waaaaahhh she's a 15 year old girl don't make fun of her, blah blah blah. I'm not saying I want her to kill herself or anything, so relax. It'd just be nice if she'd accept a little accountability for this happening. I've sure done my share of embarassing/flat out stupid shit in my life, and yeah, when its something small, I try to pass the buck too. When its something as flat out dumb as this though, I shrug my shoulders, say "yeah, I fucked up", and then make a joke at my own expense to lighten the mood. It worked out great the time that girl caught me jerking off into her microwave.

Actions have consequences. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a dad shooting free throws with his kid and interrupt him while he's giving his son encouragement. No, Timmy, you didn't miss because the rim is messed up, you missed because you suck at basketball.

UFC - Gay Porn With Championships

2009-07-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

The Ultimate Fighting Championship has carved out a historic corner for UFC 100. Despite the fact that more than 100 UFC shows have gone in the books, the symbolic century mark transforms this July event from usual summer sizzle show to organizational milestone. - ESPN.com

Seriously, am I the only guy who finds UFC like..... REALLY gay? I don't understand the appeal here, and you're talking about a guy that up until about a year ago was a passionate independent wrestling fan. I know, wrestling, pretty homo, right? Lets compare indy wrestling and UFC.

Indy wrestling, guys who get paid in Gobstoppers and Burger King coupons beat the ever living fuck out of each other with flourescant lighttubes, VCRs, vacuum cleaners, basically whatever the crowd brings from their house and hands them to whale on each other with. Guys get permanently injured fucking up falls 30 feet off a scaffold through a table and landing on their face. Awesome.

UFC, two sweaty barely clothed guys wrap their arms around each other and roll around on the mat. A fifteen minute match can consist of about 35 total seconds of standing up, and 14:25 of guys on the floor grinding their cocks on each other while they're "trying to get a submission". Gay.

I mean, fuck, I'm all about grown men beating the crap out of each other. I'm a guy that thinks we should clean out death row by putting inmates in gladiator deathsports and putting it on pay per view for Christ sake. You want to see cool brawling? Check out this clip below.

You see that? In like 40 seconds, Milan Lucic kills three of the five guys on the ice, then gets into a fight and beats the shit out of a fourth. He probably would have shoved his skate up the ass of another and then hurled racial slurs at the goalie if they didn't put him in the penalty box by then.

That's how its done, UFC guys. I'm aware you could all kick my ass, but from the looks of it, you'd rather fuck it first. Stand up and punch each other in the face, and you will have my approval. Roll around on the ground caressing each other, and I will continue to call your sport what I think it is. Extremely, extremely gay.

GOOD GOD MAKE ME UNHEAR IT

2009-07-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

We're gonna do this a little differently, this is more of a PSA than it is news. I'm warning you about something horrible, called brokeNCYDE. Speaking as a man who burst out laughing watching 2girls1cup, I can safely say nothing on the internet has traumatized me more than this "band". Before I even continue, if you're one of the lucky individuals that is wondering "what's brokeNCYDE", allow me to ruin your day.

Listen to as much of the audio on the "video" below as you can before having an overwhelming urge to kill yourself. For me, it was about 55 seconds. In order to understand what I'm going to write from here on out, sorry, you have to understand just how horrible this shit is. And yes, it's going to be just as painful as the video thumbnail indicates.

Ya still with me? Sorry about that. Hard to believe as this may be, that's actually better than the other two "songs" of theirs I got a third of the way through before seriously contemplating a round of "drink the bottles I find under the bathroom sink".

BrokeNCYDE was the brainchild of vocalists Se7en(David) and Mikl(Mike). According to them, the etymology of the band name comes from the idea of their music being fundamentally broken or "broken inside" due to their relationship problems. - Wikipedia

I know, Wikipedia isn't a credible source, but this isn't a credible band, so fuck it. Just looking at them in their "Freaxxx" music video made me want to grab the little fuckers through the screen and crush them in my angry, angry hands. The absurdly over the top scenester outfits, the big smiles like they're cool while randomly screaming, the techno, the shitty lyrics, everything about them makes me want to puke baked beans and Hershey's syrup all over the place.

Even worse, though their YouTube videos with millions of views are at least 50% negative comments, there are actually "people" who like this shit. Their MySpace has hundreds of thousands of fans. THEY DO LIVE SHOWS.

This trash, this fucking audible cancer, this worthless shit that I, somebody with virtually no musical ability could produce something far superior to, has people paying to hear it. That's comparable to somebody beating your fucking brains in, taking your wallet, and as they're walking away you shouting "hey, hold on, I got a $20 in my other pocket!"

Bashing things usually makes me feel better about myself, especially when the bashing is as justified as it is in this case. When it comes to brokeNCYDE, however, the only thing I come out of this feeling good about is someday I'm going to be old and decrepit enough that I'm going to forget I saw this.

Part of me wanted to believe that this was satire. Part of me wanted to believe it was simply a joke that I didn't get. I did my research, folks, and unfortunately, this is very real. The fact that brokeNCYDE exists at all is proof there is no God, the fact that they have achieved some level of success is exactly why this country is in a fucking recession.

I don't even know how to end this. If you like this shit, you're beyond help, so I'd be wasting my time. I have never wanted to beat the fuck out of somebody in a YouTube video more than watching brokeNCYDE, and yes, I've seen Fred.

Hi, This Is The Graveyard Calling. We're Full.

2009-07-05T09:39:00.000-07:00

BOOM, and anotha' one. Maybe Body Count really is in the house, as they clearly state 497 times in their 1992 single "Body Count's In The House". Maybe people repeatedly commenting "DID HE DIED" on every single FailBlog video on YouTube are up to more than just trolling. Whatever it is, this is getting ridiculous. Add another well known name to the recently deceased list.

Former NFL quarterback Steve McNair, who led the famous Tennessee Titans' drive that came a yard short of forcing overtime in the 2000 Super Bowl, was found dead Saturday with multiple gunshot wounds, including one to the head. - ESPN.com

Jesus Christ, dude. Well, I do remember that drive. 87 yards in like a minute and a half if I recall correctly, ended when some Rams player who I forget came out of absolutely fucking nowhere and made the game saving tackle at the one yard line. Admiring McNair for being the toughest motherfucker to play quarterback since Steve DeBerg, and not really liking the Rams, I felt bad for him. Almost did it.

I'd like to point out another interesting quote in this article, if I may. The "Neely" dood rented the condo with McNair or something.

Neeley told authorities he went into the condo, saw McNair on the sofa and Kazemi on the floor but walked first into the kitchen before going back into the living room, where he saw the blood. - ESPN.com

Typically, when I walk into a room, see one person "unconscious" on a couch and another on the floor, my initial reaction isn't "I'm gonna go make a sandwich". I'm not saying I think this Neely guy was involved, I doubt it, I just find that description a little odd. Makes you wonder what kind of relationship McNair and this chick had that seeing them randomly lying places didn't seem like anything unusual.

We'll find out more in the coming days, I guess. Right now, its looking like the chick who was with him blasted him then offed herself, but that's just speculation on my part. Seems that way, Steve got the shit blasted out of him and I believe I saw she only had a gunshot to the head. Who knows. Worthy of note though, this girl got busted for DUI a couple days earlier, and refused a breathalyzer while stating she wasn't drunk, she was high.

Unfortunate incident, and it sounds like it could be a pretty fucked up one by the time all the details come out. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: It was the jealous lover in the living room with the pistol, according to sources. Here's where I'd say "I told you so", but I think it was pretty obvious to anybody who read the initial releases of the story.

Fat Women Make Bad Trolls

2009-07-04T13:14:00.000-07:00

I've been told today is a holiday of some sort. So, happy holiday that happens in July, I guess. Man, Christmas just keeps coming earlier every year. Speaking of Christmas, the hambeast above provided the gift of lulz for us today, via her extremely poorly thought out revenge:

A Long Island woman allegedly tried to get revenge on a 9-year-old girl who ar gued with her daughter by giving a throng of sex- seeking men the child's home phone number through a Craigslist ad. - NYpost.com

Pretty rational, response, right? When little kids piss me off, I usually just slather the top of the stairs with grease then yell "THERE'S A PRESENT DOWN HERE FOR YOU", but I think I'll resort to putting their number up on dating websites from now on. Surely that won't come back to bite me in the ass.

At yesterday's hearing, Tannenbaum was arraigned on charges of aggravated harassment and new charges of endangering the welfare of a child. -NYpost.com

Oh shit, I lied. Whoops. Well, I guess this was a pretty poorly executed act of trolling on her part, then. Keep this in mind next time you decide to be offended by the words of a 9 year old who has little grasp on how the world works or the concept of other people having feelings. Unless you're Michael Jackson, screwing with children is really going to end up fucking you over and making you look like an asshole. Deservingly, I might add.

In other news, I fucked up my layout trying to upload a new one, so it looks even worse than usual right now. I'll fix it at some point.

Some Douchebag Got Suspended

2009-07-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

I guess this isn't really news, Calvin Pace is a slightly above average player at best, but the story got the same reaction out of me these stories always get. Calvin Pace is going to be suspended for the first four games this upcoming NFL season for violating the substance abuse policy. Take a look at this quote, tell me if it looks familiar:

Pace said the suspension stemmed from his use of an over-the-counter dietary supplement -- which he did not identify -- that contained a substance he did not know violated the policy. - ESPN.com

Same story, different moron. Son, the league sends all the players a list of products that violate the policy, and they send out an updated one whenever something is added or removed. Before taking anything from the store, look at the fucking thing, kay?

If that turns out to be too strenuous, teams generally have somebody working for them you can call up and go "hey, can I take this?", to which they respond "LOL YA" or "LOL NOPE". It's their job. Call the fucking league office if you have to. They're not going out of their way to suspend you, they just do it when you force them.

For fucks sake, ASK SOMEBODY. Thanks for screwing over your team, I hate the Jets passionately, but man. This happens like six times a year in football or baseball, it should be zero. Very, very preventable Calvin, unlike the two ass kickings the Patriots will be delivering to you this year.

Fuck the Jets.

Asshole Attracts Killing Machines To Neighborhood

2009-06-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

Pic related, as the woman in this story was dragged from her residence and told to stay away from it for three years. Now, being told you can't go home for three years by a judge may seem a little stiff, but I'm sure the neighbors aren't that bummed out. She was giving bears an incentive to romp through the area.... food.

Karen Noyes often fed the black bears that came to her home near the Oregon coast. Then things got out of hand. - MSNBC.com

No shit, feeding a bunch of wild bears got out of hand? Personally, if I saw my neighbor feeding bears and encouraging more to come into the area, I'd be like "hey, fuck you". I'm sure the person in this story listed as having sixty of their turkeys in a barn mauled by a bear is real appreciative of this moron.

Tragically, the story didn't have any quotes from the 61 year old woman found guilty of "harassing wildlife", those would have been quality stuff. Allow me to speak on her behalf.

"I don't understand what happened. I can't believe offering wild animals free food consistently would cause them to keep coming back. I'm a victim here, anybody would do what I did in this situation. Admit it, when you see a wild bear, your initial reaction is to approach it and give it food, maybe pet it a little."

Charles Darwin, you really let me down with this gal. 61..... shouldn't she have accidentally fallen face first in a corner and suffocated by like, 30?

Ocho Cinco Continues To Amuse

2009-06-29T08:55:00.000-07:00

Chad Johnson, Ocho Cinco... whatever the hell his name is... needs a proofreader. Or, better yet, he needs to back away from Twitter immediately. The last thing this man needs is a way to broadcast his thoughts to millions before having a chance to think about what he said. Here's what Chad said about Michael Jackson dying the other day:

Okay, first Mrs. Fawcett now Mr. Jackson, pleasse tell me that this is a mistaken rumor, if not this is just as sad as 9/11 - Chad Ocho Cinco, Twitter

Whoopsie daisy. Chad, you want to be real careful when you're comparing things to 9/11, it usually doesn't go very well. Two extremely well known buildings that were a signature of New York collapsing while killing thousands, some "black" musician having a heart attack. Yeah, I can see the comparison there. Pretty much the same thing.

This is why Chad Ochocinco should not be allowed to talk, and it is also why I'm so glad he does. Without him making unfathomably stupid statements like this, I would have nothing to do.

He did end up apologizing, but I'm sure it was because somebody told him to, and not because he thought he should. I mean, Christ, fucking look at him. Phenomenal football talent, but if you cracked that guys head open, crayons and glitter would fall out.

Goodnight, Sweet Extremely Loud Prince

2009-06-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

This is the worst day ever. I logged in to my "Billy Mays" user account on a message board I frequent, only to find a mailbox full of messages informing me I was dead. Needless to say, I was shocked.

Mays was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department. - Fox News.com

Some guy who was born a black man and died a white woman had a heart attack in Cali, and now this. Tough week to be a celebrity. I wonder if this means that cock sucker Vince with ShamWow won, I know they hated each other. Billy threatened him on multiple occasions, including needing to be restrained at a Super Bowl party they were both at.

I don't know what to say. I can't imagine a world without a screaming, bearded advertising God telling me to buy shit I don't need before he tracked me down and ran me over with his car. You will be missed Billy. Now, everyone, pour some Oxi Clean out on the sidewalk for your fallen homie.

Romero Tells Fan To STFU

2009-06-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

I just got home from hiking with this chick I know, it was pretty awesome. Got some sweet pictures on top of this giant rock plus it got my ass out of bed for a reason other than beer or snack foods. It's not as fun as finding a girl in the woods you don't know at all and walking with her, but it was a good time. Turns out I didn't miss much in sports, unless you count Brett Favre "possibly" coming out of "retirement" news, which I don't. Fuck him.

J.C. Romero, a relief pitcher for the Phillies, apparently chokeslammed some douche bag Rays fan the other day. Good for him. Not exactly trailblazing stuff, the Detroit Pistons and Mike Ditka made beating the shit out of fans an artform, but this guys reaction really annoyed me.

“He reared back and kinda grazed my chin and grabbed me by the neck and threw me back, I was in shock.” - Some faggot, Yahoo Sports

Look, when I wore a "Fuck you DJ" shirt to an independant wrestling show last year and asked DJ Hyde to autograph it, I wasn't dumbfounded when he slapped my beer out of my hand. This guy was popping shit to an athlete that recently was suspended for steroid use, and was in disbelief when said roided athlete gave him a smack.

If you don't want a professional athlete to try and kill you, try not saying "HEY FUCK YOU CAN I GET SOME STEROIDS LOLOLOLOL" to him. Milton Bradley (lol) was sitting in the clubhouse watching the TV broadcast of a game he was playing in a few years ago, one of the announcers made a joke at his expense, and he went up to the broadcast booth and tried to kill the guy.

You're a Tampa Bay Rays fan. Your team has been relevant for literally one year in its entire existance. You're not in a position to agitate athletes with no reprocussion. Please continue to do so, though.

Michael Jackson Destroys Arch Enemy In Final Act Of Lulz

2009-06-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

Godspeed, MJ. Basketball will never be the same without you. Erhm, oh it was that one. I guess Jacko really hated Farrah Fawcett, yesterday was supposed to be her day of mourning. I mean, not for my generation, most of us reacted "who the fuck is Farrah Fawcett" when we learned the news, but the generation before us.... her death was pretty big. It was quite the story.

For about, I dunno, six hours or so.

Then, bam, as I was perusing a few message boards I participate in, all of a sudden they blow up with MIKAL JAKSUN IS DIED OMGOMGOMG, and Farrah was forgotten in an instant. The baseball game last night sucked so I didn't watch most of it, I kept it on MSNBC. Wall to wall Jacko coverage, Fawcett wasn't mentioned once from the point Jacko went HNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHH and fell over to the point he was pronounced dead, or any point after it either. Maybe she was brought up today, I dunno, I don't care about celebrities.

This whole thing bugs me, though. Jacko can't be buried because 85% of him isn't biodegradable at this point, and his heart attack was probably due to little boys being suprisingly high in cholesterol (impressed? Don't be, I stole half of that line. Try to guess which part!). The same news groups that used him for a "LOL LOOK HOW FUCKED UP THIS GUY IS" story once every month or so were the same people acting like Jesus just got crucified. I don't care for that.

Look, some people love me, some people hate my guts, some people don't care I exist. I don't want those second two groups coming out kissing my ass when I drop dead. If you didn't like me alive, don't act like I'm awesome just because I died. That's what's going on here.

If you loved him in life, fine. If you hated him, fine. Show some consistancy though. If you felt he was a scumbag two days ago, you should have felt it yesterday too. Enough of this carebear media crap. Kthxbai

United States Beats Spain at Sport, Nobody Important Cares

2009-06-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

I love soccer. I mean, no I don't, I hate soccer and I think it's fucking boring as hell, but I love when the USA wins in international tournaments.

Soccer (known as football in the rest of the world) is when an individual fucks members of the same sex and enjoys it. - Encyclopedia Dramatica

That sums up my view on the activity nicely, thank you ED. Think about how great this moment is though, the United States beating Spain in the.... uh... Confederations Cup. I don't know where that ranks on the soccer tournament hierarchy because I don't waste my time with sports that dropping to the ground like you've been shot every time somebody bumps into you is deemed acceptable, but I guess it's a pretty big deal.

It's so beautiful because this loss, Spain's first loss in 35 games from what I've been told, is like a fucking day of mourning in Spain. They are devastated by this, soccer fans are extremely passionate/gay about their sport. While their country collectively holds its head in shame, an overwhelming majority of the United States couldn't care less. There is something very beautiful about crushing the spirit of a large group of people by defeating them in a competition you aren't even interested in.

That doesn't change how horrible the sport is to watch, however. I had it on in the background while I was jerking off to farm porn for the final 40 minutes or so. I'm looking at the stat sheet right now. Spain had eleven shots on goal, the United States had four. Soccer games are over 90 minutes of playtime, and the net is fucking enormous. Yet, in over an hour and a half of playing, two teams combined for fifteen shots? That's like the equivalent of renting a female escort for a week long trip and fucking her once.

Hi, the United States took four shots, and two went in. That should be an indication of how to win. Stop flopping around on the ground like a bunch of pussies and passing the ball back and forth for five minutes at a time. If, for whatever reason, you actually want to play this incredibly shitty sport, crash the God damn net and boot that thing at it. I would be taking shots from 200 feet away.

You Don't Have To Like Meeee But I'm Still Gonna Get That Moneeeeyy

2009-06-24T09:07:00.001-07:00

Like that image? I sure as hell do. That's why I blatantly stole it from celeblulz.com without asking their permission, likely after they blatantly stole it from somebody else without asking their permission.

Something really bothered me in the world of Major League Baseball last night. No, it wasn't watching my boy Julian Tavarez get screwed by his shitty team as I sat in front of the TV in my Washington Nationals #50 Tavarez shirt. Though the Nationals qualify as a minor league team, my anger was directed towards somebody who is actually playing in the minors right now.

Guess who. I'll give you a hint. He has dreads, wears the number 99, and thinks throwing old people is funny (which, admittedly, I do too). Oh you clever clever little girl, that's right, Manny Ramierez!

Ramirez, easing back into playing shape after a 50-game drug suspension, suited up for the Albuquerque Isotopes as they beat Nashville 1-0. -ESPN.com

What the fuck is this shit? Manny is suspended until the 3rd next month, for violating the substance abuse policy of the league he is employed in. Yet, there he is, in front of a sellout crowd at a minor league ballpark, getting paid on his MLB contract scale, swinging a bat in games that don't matter.

Are we forgetting who this is here? When Manny rehabed in Pawtucket for the RedSox, he literally wanted to stay there. As in, he flat out said he liked it there better. He's got his locker full of weed and beef jerky, and he's playing a kids game that the media for the most part pays no attention to. Great job Selig, that'll teach him. If Manny wasn't doing steroids before, he's probably going to do them now for no purpose other than to get suspended again. He LOVES this shit.

Well, at least you're sending the kids the right message, Mr. Selig. Don't cheat, but if you do, it's okay, because you'll still get paid, still be able to play in baseball games, and if you're good ESPN will still broadcast all your at bats. I mean, seriously, don't cheat, but if you do, it's fine.

Three Fat Guys : "We want to yell and stuff"

2009-06-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

No two things are a more magical combination than NFL offensive linemen and musical performances. The two intertwine on a level that rivals peanut butter and chocolate, particularly if you're violently allergic to peanut butter and the "chocolate" is a homemade product courtesy of your local fecalphiliac. Honestly, I'm used to members of the Dallas Cowboys doing stupid shit, but usually their hearts are in the right place. When Nate Newton got arrested with that U-Haul of marijuana, he was just trying to bring joy to junior high students across the country.

Leonard Davis, Marc Colombo and Cory Procter have signed a recording contract as part of a heavy metal band called Free Reign. Their debut album for Australia's Riot Entertainment will be released this fall. - ESPN.com

The article continues by making an incredibly lame joke involving the weight of the three men involved and the fact that their music is going to be in a genre that has "heavy" in it. A better follow-up line would have read something like "what kind of a shitty name for a metal band is Free Reign?" Heavy metal bands are supposed to have names like Trampled Faces, Prejudice Towards Humanity, or Suck My Dick Because I Hate You. Not Free Reign. That sounds like the name of a band two reasonably unattractive lesbians would fuck each other to when they left their Indigo Girls collection in the car.

I'm sure they're metal as all hell, though. I mean, their epic tour is ending at a House Of Blues in Dallas. Nothing says hardcore like a bunch of black men in suits wielding saxophones.

Oh God how did this get here I am not good with computers

2009-06-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

Hello, and thank you for erroneously typing whatever website or blog you were trying to go to. I'd advise sticking around.

As one of roughly 540 blog projects I work extensively on for several months before abandoning for the next poorly thought out idea, here you will find sports and current event stories looked at differently. And by differently, I mean by a bitter, borderline retarded, frequently drunk basement dweller.

Non-sporting topics that will be covered could include, for example, how cute puppies are, what kind of cars I think look cool, or how I hate when a website requires me to type in a difficult catchpa during a particularly rigorous session of masturbation. Not that that happened last Thursday night and I'm speaking out of personal experience, we're being hypothetical here.

That'll do for now, I have to go write a post about something. Keep refreshing your browser or I'll find you.